I’ve had several leads in my job hunt this month.  Things are rather slow for me right now.  I’ve been to quite a number of companies and have gone thru exams and interviews but I haven’t been that lucky.  I’ve even had an invitation from a clothing company (I don’t know where they got my contact information because I don’t remember applying for a position in their company) but I politely turned it down because I literally don’t measure up (they have a height requirement of 5’2”).  And simply because I can’t be a full-time store front liner right now. 

There’s this one company in Taguig which is quite promising.  Yes, it’s a call center and no, there are no part-time jobs but so far, it’s the only company I can imagine myself working for at the moment.  I actually turned it down at first because I’ve sworn that I wouldn’t work as a call center agent again.  But the HR personnel was nice enough to inform me that what they have is a dayshift account.  Also, a classmate of mine from nursery (fancy that) is working for the company and has given me “insider” information about the account.  So far, I like what I’m hearing. 

But before I get carried away and make another “potential” misstep in my professional career, I decided I should look for other options.  I applied as a Research Assistant in UPM and I just finished my computer exam last September 8, 2009.  I’ve been badgering the people from the Science Hall about the results for two days now.  They said I should check back on Friday.  If I pass, I’ll take a psych test.  Gudlak naman sa ‘kin.  IF I do pass the psych test, I’ll work in CPH kasi wala na daw RA vacancy sa CN.  But that’s good enough for me.  At least, this is closer to home.

Then there’s this option to join the Nurse Corps.  I’m just not so sure if they’ll have me because I’d probably fail the height requirement but I think my paramilitary background should give me some leverage.  Where’s the extra inch when you need it, huh?  I wish I had my half-sister’s height so I can put it to good use.  But this is me talking shitty again and prudence tells me I should stop doing that.

Anyway, I’m hoping things would look up.  I’m getting really frustrated now that I’m not working or moving forward.  Even worse: I feel like I’m running out of time again…

Grabe, idol ko talaga ate Jovir ko. As in.  (Sana nababasa n’ya ‘to.)  Gusto ko nang maging bum for the rest of my life! Biruin mo ‘yon? Pa-training-training na lang sa TESDA, may allowance pa siya na pinambibili nya ng damit?  Wow, ‘di ba?  Ako kasi, nagtrabaho muna ako for several months bago ako nakabili ng sarili kong damit eh.  Kasi before I got employed, most of my clothes are hand-me-downs from my sister, Glen.  Yung mga first months ko kasi sa work, yung salary ko, binigay ko kay Papa para pambayad ng renta.  Oh ‘di ba?  Ilang linggo lang siyang nag-training eh meron na siyang new wardrobe?  IDOL talaga!  Dapat siguro, ‘di na ako naghanap ng work at all.  Dapat siguro, nagpaka-bum na rin ako katulad niya! 

At eto pa isa: sana ‘di na lang ako naging matalino.  Kasi mas mabuti pa ang ate ko, kahit bobo at walang kadiska-diskarte, aba, eh nakakakain at may natutulugan. For free!  ‘Di mo na kailangang maging matalino ngayon.  Dapat marunong ka lang manggamit ng kapwa mo at mabubuhay ka na.  Maging leech ka lang, you’ll live forever!  ‘Di mo na kailangang magpakasipag at magbali ng buto katulad ng ginagawa ng Mama ko sa States para mabuhay.  Kailangan lang, anak ka sa labas at iniwan ka ng tatay mo para meron kang leverage na pwede mong magamit para ‘di ka na magtrabaho!  Wow!  Grabe, talagang super idol ko ate ko.  She’s the best!  Can’t ask for a “better” sister!  Ang swerte ko talaga sa mga kamag-anak.  Kung ‘di rapist, moocher naman!  Swerte ko talaga…

At eto pa: magkaka-work na “naman” ako this September pag ibinigay na ang job offer sa Datacom.  Second job ko na ‘to.  Gladys: 2 points.  Jovir: nil.  Zero.  Wala. Kulelat. Olats. Nada.  Oo, bilangan na ‘to.  At wala na ‘kong pakialam!

Kung ‘di lang ako “naaawa” sa kanya, matagal na akong nagkatrabaho “uli.” Bakit kamo?  Eh nakakahiya naman kung magkakaroon na ako ng trabaho uli samantalang siya, eh, bum pa rin. Palamunin.  Moocher.  Kahit na ano ang gawin ko, ‘di pa rin niya ma-gets!  Ang bobo talaga.  Tama ang Papa ko…

Tama si Papa.  Walang alam si ate.  Wala siyang skills.  Ma-PR, oo.  Maboka, oo.  Pero hanggang doon lang.  Hanggang salita lang.  Hanggang daldal lang.  Hanggang dito na lang siya at wala na siyang mararating.  Kaya naaawa si Papa sa kanya.  Kaya walang ginagawa si Papa about it.  At naaawa ako kay Papa…

Sige, ako na “naman” ang magpaparaya.  Ako na lang “uli” ang mananahimik.  Kahit sobrang gusto ko nang pumutok sa galit, ayos lang.  Carry lang.  Titiisin ko na lang.  Magpapaka-busy na lang ako sa trabaho “uli.”  Papagurin ang sarili para ‘di na mapansin ang nakapanlulumong sitwasyon sa bahay.  Iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng paghihirap na nararanasan ay may katumbas na biyaya galing sa Kanya. 

Sana nga.

Dahil pagod na ako.

I just talked to my mom over the phone this morning and she said it’s hard for her to find another job in the US. 

About 9 months ago, I told her to leave one of her jobs because I wanted her to have some time for herself.  I’m almost sorry that I did that. Because right now, I don’t have a job and my mom’s and Glen’s combined income isn’t cutting it for us.  I’m almost sorry that I left Sykes to take the NCLEX.  I’m almost sorry that I didn’t push through with the job application in Taguig and/or Ortigas.  I’m sorry that I didn’t crawl on the floor and beg the HR personnel from St. Luke’s to take me…

I told her, “Ma, ‘di mo na kailangang humanap ng isa pang trabaho…  May job opening sa Taguig. Okay lang ba sayo na mag-call center uli ako?”

She told me (and I could tell she wasn’t amused), “Call center na naman?”

I said, “Eh walang ibang choice, Ma.  Freeze hiring ang mga hospitals ngayon…”

She said, as if imploring, “Wag na. Unahin mo na yang mga trainings mo. Handa naman akong magsakripisyo para lang makapag-training ka eh.  Mag-training ka na muna para kapag nakaalis ka, ready ka na, okay?”

I tried to choke back the tears welling up in my eyes because she’ll hear it in my voice and she can’t know how I’m feeling.  She won’t be able to sleep if she knows I’m worrying about her again.  But to no avail… the tears just fell.  What can I do eh mababaw luha ko?

With a little shakiness in my voice and with my hand over my eyes, I told her, “Sige po, Ma. (Pause)… Magte-training po ako, hwag kayong mag-alala.”

Then a looong pause. I asked, “Ma?  Nandiyan ka pa ba?”

She said, “Ah oo, nasa trabaho ako.  Nanonood lang ng ‘The Wedding’ sa TFC.”

Thank God for TFC.  Because of it, my mom was a bit distracted and she didn’t notice.  If she had noticed, I would have cried all the way.

“Sige, Ma. Manood ka na. He he…”

So that same night, Sunday, Glen finally came into our room and found me breathing.  I know it’s crazy but I wanted her to find me in cardiogenic shock.  But modern fairy tales don’t always end in a tragedy.

She gave me a good preaching/sermon about me wasting my life on something or “someone” who isn’t worth it.  “Kadiri!” was her term.  She said that a lot of people (namely, my siblings, my mom, and probably my dad, too) love me and care for me.  She said that I was pushing them away and is that what I wanted to accomplish?  I told her I didn’t want to push them away.  Then, Glen said, I shouldn’t let “her” ruin my life. 

Good point.  But where do I start?

My sister asked me if I already ate dinner.  I said I haven’t eaten anything the whole day and suddenly I realized, I should start by taking care of myself.  My sanity.  My two siblings.

Glen said, I’ve become obsessed.  She said that I’m not acting like a nurse.  I had to concur.  I had to add that maybe I’m not a nurse at all, the way I’ve been acting lately.  She said I should pick myself up and dust myself off – which were not her exact terms but I figured, it has the same meaning anyway.

She said I should start painting again and she’d be willing to buy me oil paint. I told her I have watercolor.  Alright, watercolor then. That should keep me busy and distracted.  In the meantime, she said, I should stop taking whatever it is that I’m taking because it’s not helping.  I told her I needed it. She said I don’t.  Alright, so I don’t.

I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off without the meds but I’m going to give it a try.  I just wish my two siblings will always be here to help me regroup.  I just wish I’d never have to be alone in this…

I think I might have reached my lowest point last Sunday.  Can’t get into the details but it sure seemed like the end for me.  But lo and behold, I’m still here.  I don’t know why.  But god seems to want me to stay.  I’ve asked for release many times before and when I finally got the opportunity to carry out my half-baked plans of departure, it just didn’t work. 

The major details are as follows:

Cause: paranoia, lack of communication, self-persecution, “her”

Effect: alienation, heartache, bruised knees and knuckles, headache, nausea and upset stomach…

You just figure out where the pieces fit.

Good thing, my sibs were there to keep me hangin’ on.  I don’t know what I’d do without my sister and my brother.  I swore that it’d never happen again.  This just can’t go on.  I love them too much…

Yep, that might have been my lowest point. 

I just can’t say the same for her.

Here I am, forcing a smile between gritted teeth.  Telling myself it’s all going to be just peachy. Convincing the voices inside that this is just the workings of paranoia and discontent and nothing else.  That tomorrow will be better.  That I am worth something.  That I have done well.  That my parents are happy and satisfied with what I’ve become.

But the frown lines just won’t go away.  Somehow, graduating from college and getting a degree isn’t enough.  I have to get an MA. Or become a dialysis nurse or a nurse-anesthetist or, good heavens, why not both?  Or work as a nurse in Canada or New Zealand or any country but the Philippines.  Apparently, getting a job that pays isn’t good enough.  I have to get a job in the best hospitals and in the best areas.  And I have to get a high-paying job with a salary that is ridiculously high so that I can afford to be ridiculously rich and hopefully become ridiculously happy at the end of the day.

Whose happiness is this that I am so robotically pursuing?  Is it mine still?  Or have I embraced the culture of dissatisfaction that this materialistic society has engraved in us?

I just want a simple life.  Is it too much to ask?

As it turns out, the “job” I was just writing about the other day, wasn’t so much of a job after all.  I didn’t really apply for it, a “brod” of mine just referred me to someone who was just about to start his own IT-related company.  The work itself was light/easy by my standards.  And my potential co-workers and boss were all really nice, straightforward people.

The thing that didn’t work out for me was the distance of the office (it was still in a residence somewhere in Balara Quezon City) and the “flexible” work hours (which was from Monday to Saturday, 8-5pm).  The reason why I wanted to work in the first place was: I wanted to earn money to afford trainings related to the nursing profession. In order to do that, I needed to be employed.  But I needed a schedule that will ALLOW me to leave work and attend trainings.  And that’s not what I found out when I started working Monday.

So, I candidly (but ever so politely) declined the offer.  I was in a probationary phase anyway and my ex-potential boss told me I could try it for a few days and if I didn’t like it, we’d part ways, no questions asked.  And that’s exactly what happened.

Call me provincial or picky, but I’ve already learned my lesson well, working in Sykes. So I gotta be careful here.  Can’t just take any job (no matter how desperate I am to work again).  But I guess, looking back, I think I just jumped into the water without testing it first.

Oh well. On to the next employment opportunity! =)

There’s a running joke among us siblings that has something to do with somebody close to my brother being “psycho.” Note: this post has nothing to do with that person, okay? 2nd note: the pun-ny (funny, get it?) name came from my sister, Glen, the pun queen. 

As it turns out, there’s somebody even more psychotic than the person being referred to as “psycho.” And it’s not even me.

And I’m not going to elaborate because it’d cause karma to come knocking on my door again the second I let it loose. So yes, I guess being psychotic runs in MY family.

And it feels so good knowing I’m not alone.  I’m sooo happy!

I gotta be spontaneous and quick.  My thoughts are spilling over the brim…  And I’m not writing fast enough.

My brother’s visa was approved.  He did the interview June 4th and on that same day, the consul hinted that he’s good to go!  I prayed like four times that morning just so the visa requirements would get accepted.  And all my hard work paid off!  He received his visa on June 6th and he’s got til December 3 to use it. He said he’ll leave in November. Arghh!  I’ll miss my brother…  I hope everything goes well for him out there…

My sister (Glen, of course, who else is there to write about?) just got accepted as a Clinical Instructor in UP-CAMP. I’m a proud Ate.  I know I didn’t do anything  for that to materialize (’coz Glen’s a big girl and she can do whatever she puts her heart into and because she’s well on her own) but I can’t help but think about how much my lil’ sis had grown…

My dad is slowly getting something done about his birth certificate.  I’m hoping we won’t have to go through too much to get it because it’s really important (for me and for the family) that he migrates and gets to live with my mom and brother.  He NEEDS to travel and have a life…

As for me, I’m moving on.  Well, sort of.  I just need a little nudge/reminder now and then and I’d be fine.  Right now, I’m trying to enjoy my life as much as possible and I’m feelin’ pretty gooood!  I’m hoping my stroke of luck would continue but I’m also expecting that it might not.  ‘Coz these kinds of things don’t usually last a long time.  Oh well.  This is my motto now: NEVER TAKE ANYTHING OR ANYONE FOR GRANTED…

I just finished my IVT and BLS seminars and I’ve already received my IVT and BLS certificates and BLS card.  My IVT completion date is on July 13 and I’m going to wear white again.  I’ve already enrolled in a post-grad training in Delos Santos Hospital and I’ll start in October. I’m guessing it’s gonna be fun because I’m hoping that my old classmates and a newfound friend will join me. 

And yes, I’ve taken my NCLEX finally. Took it on May 27. It was nerve-wracking. Will elaborate on it in a post-dated entry… I got my results: June 18th. I freakin’ passed.  I guess I’m meant to be a nurse after all…

And most importantly, I’m going to work again!  Starting this Monday.  My “brod” (who works in a law enforcement agency) referred me to a certain IT manager/CEO for a computer/SEO company.  He’s been really helpful (and I’ve been such a pain in the @ss for him lately) so: THANKS BROD!  I’m hoping to get a glimpse of how it is to work in an SEO company and I’m quite nervous and excited.  I hope that things would go smoothly for my first week.  If things don’t go well, then, it’s off to Starbucks for me. He he. =)

But I’m still looking for a job in the nursing profession. I just can’t be so picky now that the recession is slowly creeping in.  I need the money so that I can afford to attend trainings and possibly volunteer in a hospital just so I can get work experience.

This is me not caring.

This is me spending the last couple of days out of the house, doing what I’ve always wanted to do but never did (because of self-persecution and the sense of guilt that accompanies hedonistic thoughts and the need to focus/concentrate on my exam), spending the money I earned mostly on “wants” and “my” needs (as opposed to my family’s needs), and just enjoying the great (if not rainy) outdoors without having to worry about dealing with the most recent object of my abhorrence.

I had sworn that I will not hold myself back once I’m done with the NCLEX and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve been told that I care too much about my family. So much so that I’m no longer thinking about what I “really” want/need and all the self-persecution is taking its toll.  My aunt and siblings said I worry too much.

So this is me not worrying…

I feel free. It’s a kind of freedom I have not felt in such a long time.  The kind that does not necessarily make me feel saintly but sure takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s a kind of freedom you experience when you don’t consider what’s right or what’s wrong. And I hate to admit it but… I’m beginning to like it.

I should’ve done this a long time ago. It could have saved me from a lot of heartache. But like what my brother said to me once, I’m a lot like my dad (go figure.) in that I feel guilty most of the time. I feel guilty spending my own hard-earned money on myself because there are “other, more important things” than my own needs.  I feel guilty doing the things I want to do because there are “other, more important things” that I need/have to do.

Well, this is me not feeling guilty.  Not yet anyway.  I know that as soon as all the vindictive emotions have dissipated, I’ll go back to being guilt-ridden once again.  Right now, I just feel like going against my own superego and false sense of uprightness.  Right now, I just feel like getting even.  Right now, it’s about me and my sanity and my right to pursuit of happiness.

This is me taking my siblings’ advice.  This is me taking a break from all the worries.  This is me having fun because I deserve it.

My dad may not like what I’m doing because it has always been one of his most common complaints about my siblings (coming home late or leaving the house even on weekends, etc). 

But then again: This is me not caring.