Immediately after that embarrassing display of naivety and credulity, I had to do something to counter the financial loss that I incurred/brought upon myself.  So with a “little push” by my sister, Glen, I started making polymer clay accessories again (because I’ve got nothing else to do anyway, being unemployed and all).  I posted some new pics of charm bracelets on facebook and I tried my hand at making celphone straps/keychains from the surplus clay and ribbons that we had. 

I honestly didn’t think we’d do well (based on previous experiences) but I was hoping at least one person would be interested.   The plan was to sell the old items that we had in our multiply site just to break even and/or get a return of investment. 

It just so happened that it’s the holidays and people are looking for gifts to give away to their officemates or friends and it just clicked, I guess.  So now, I’m keepin’ busy by making more of the straps/keychains.  So far (and I’d hate to jump the gun here for fear that it might be a jinx), we’re getting good feedback. 

The down side of this is: I’m not able to do anything else.  Well, besides my basic personal routine (eat, sleep, drink, etc.), all I do all day is to make and bake polymer clay.  I’m always at home and almost always inside the confines of my room with nothing but my phone radio on and occasionally, the world wide web. 

I’m not watching tv either and we just switched from Sky cable to Destiny (and I’d hate to admit it but Sky has better channels).  Thus I have no idea what’s going on with the outside world unless I listen to the radio or go online.  And when I do go online, I spend most of my time uploading pics and transacting with potential buyers. 

I’ve also taken the liberty of not buying celphone load just to save more money.  So I’m betting that most of the people who text me expecting me to reply are really pissed off right now.  It makes me feel bad not being able to reply immediately or as often as I’d like to but what can I do really?

I also plan (quite unwillingly) to dodge holiday get-togethers/parties.  I really want to be a part of my friends’ lives for once but the situation isn’t allowing me (again).  I know it’s not an excuse and I know my friends are gonna hate me for this but it’s just something that I need to do to cleanse/purge myself of my stupidity. 

And most important of all, I didn’t train this month.  I was supposed to and I REALLY wanted to extend my training in DLS-STI but then “that” incident just had to occur and I was left with no option but to postpone/cancel my extension due to financial constraints. 

I tell myself, this is just a phase.  Like all the other phases I’ve gone through, this’ll take a while but it should pass.  I just need to finish the tasks at hand and maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to wipe my slate clean.

Maybe after this, I’d finally get over that little hitch I got myself into.  Maybe it’d be enough to get back what I lost.

So yes, if you’re wondering what this is that I’m doing to myself, my simple but perplexing answer is: this is a self-imposed reclusion of sorts.  A self-flagellation of the psyche to remind me of what a fool I’ve been in hopes that I don’t make the same ridiculous mistake…

EVER AGAIN.

The day I stopped updating my planner is the day I give up an organized approach to life.  It just so happened that I stopped doing so this month.  I just didn’t have the time/energy to update or even check on it.  Which is bad because I feel like I’m not doing things at the right pace, you know.  It’s like a day without checking on the clock or looking at the sun’s position.  You never know if you’re getting close to the end of the day or if you’re right on schedule.  It feels as though I (once again) lost track of where I am in my own timeline. 

What’s more, my celphone’s date/time settings are not correct.  I had to remove my batteries one time and I never got around to updating the date or time.  So right now, the date and time on it is January 17, 2007 6:04 am and my alarm goes off at 8 pm instead of the usual 6 am.  Plus, I never really know what day of the week it is.  How dysfunctional is that?  So now I have to depend on my sister’s apple-shaped alarm clock to tell the time.

There’s something awfully wrong.  I guess it’s just me feeling a little tired.  And this is right after I trained in DLS-STI from October 13 to November 10. 

I also think it’s because of the confrontation I had with my dad just a few weeks back.  There was something about what he said that made me think that what I’ve been doing is all for naught.  But I’m over that (supposedly) and I really don’t care anymore. So much so, that I don’t even want to look for a job anymore.  But that’s not the case because I still am looking.  Only I’m not calling hospitals every 2 weeks like I used to. 

Also, there’s this thing that happened this month that really threw me off balance.  I won’t go into the details as it’s just too embarrassing or offensive to my ego to even keep a note of it, but the gist is: I barked up the wrong tree and didn’t use my better judgment and let myself be carried away by circumstances that are too good to be true.  In short, nagpakatanga ako ng bonggang-bongga.  I never knew I was capable of such a feat.  But now I know, anything’s possible.

So yeah.  I’m a little lost right now.  I’m torn between slacking off and picking up where I left off before my dreams were crushed.  I’m in a limbo and it doesn’t feel good being caught between a rock and a crazy place.  I’m hoping that sooner or later, I’ll get back on track and start moving forward again. 

And I shall take the first step.  I shall update my celphone clock and planner…

Even if it pains me to do so.

Okey na sana eh.  I woke up, ate a banana (to up my serotonin level), got my earphones on, and I was ready to work on today’s little project.  I “intend” TO BE HAPPY and BE AT PEACE this morning.  Then you just had to bring it up…

Why’d you have to bring it up?  Nananahimik na nga ako eh.  It just happened last night.  Can’t you just give me some room to breathe and a little more time to heal?  And then you ask me why I can’t just talk to you and not cry about it?  I’m not like you. I don’t bounce back instantaneously.

And this isn’t acting.  If it is, I’d be able to turn it on and off.  I can’t.  It’s a vague, persistent feeling that plagues me night and day.  Hindi lang ako laging nagwawala kasi NATITIIS ko pa. Tina-try kong tiisin kasi you’re all I have now…

The reason why my dad didn’t want me to work in Taguig was because he didn’t want my half-sister to feel bad about me getting another job.  All along, I thought it was because he cared about my welfare (because that’s what he keeps telling me in the first place).  And I was so obliging and naive, that I turned down the scheduled interview in spite of my ardent desire to work just so my dad wouldn’t have to “worry” about me.  I was so wrong. 

I should’ve gone to that job interview.  I should’ve gone because no one really cares what happens to me.  If only I hadn’t hesitated so many times, maybe, just maybe, I would’ve gotten that job.  The employer wouldn’t have had second thoughts about hiring me because I wouldn’t have been so indecisive.  If only I knew the truth then, I wouldn’t be sulking and complaining about not having a job now.  But I didn’t know. 

I wish he’d told me earlier because that would’ve made it a lot easier for me to decide which way to go.   If he cares more about his “favorite” daughter’s feelings than our basic needs then, that’s his problem.  He really shouldn’t drag me down by keeping me in the dark.  Mas gusto pa ba niya na wala na kaming makain just as long as masaya si “ate” Jovir?  Give me a f*cking break!

The truth hurts, I know that now.  But as cheesy or melodramatic as it sounds, I’d still rather hear the truth than be lied to.

I’ve had several leads in my job hunt this month.  Things are rather slow for me right now.  I’ve been to quite a number of companies and have gone thru exams and interviews but I haven’t been that lucky.  I’ve even had an invitation from a clothing company (I don’t know where they got my contact information because I don’t remember applying for a position in their company) but I politely turned it down because I literally don’t measure up (they have a height requirement of 5’2”).  And simply because I can’t be a full-time store front liner right now. 

There’s this one company in Taguig which is quite promising.  Yes, it’s a call center and no, there are no part-time jobs but so far, it’s the only company I can imagine myself working for at the moment.  I actually turned it down at first because I’ve sworn that I wouldn’t work as a call center agent again.  But the HR personnel was nice enough to inform me that what they have is a dayshift account.  Also, a classmate of mine from nursery (fancy that) is working for the company and has given me “insider” information about the account.  So far, I like what I’m hearing. 

But before I get carried away and make another “potential” misstep in my professional career, I decided I should look for other options.  I applied as a Research Assistant in UPM and I just finished my computer exam last September 8, 2009.  I’ve been badgering the people from the Science Hall about the results for two days now.  They said I should check back on Friday.  If I pass, I’ll take a psych test.  Gudlak naman sa ‘kin.  IF I do pass the psych test, I’ll work in CPH kasi wala na daw RA vacancy sa CN.  But that’s good enough for me.  At least, this is closer to home.

Then there’s this option to join the Nurse Corps.  I’m just not so sure if they’ll have me because I’d probably fail the height requirement but I think my paramilitary background should give me some leverage.  Where’s the extra inch when you need it, huh?  I wish I had my half-sister’s height so I can put it to good use.  But this is me talking shitty again and prudence tells me I should stop doing that.

Anyway, I’m hoping things would look up.  I’m getting really frustrated now that I’m not working or moving forward.  Even worse: I feel like I’m running out of time again…

Grabe, idol ko talaga ate Jovir ko. As in.  (Sana nababasa n’ya ‘to.)  Gusto ko nang maging bum for the rest of my life! Biruin mo ‘yon? Pa-training-training na lang sa TESDA, may allowance pa siya na pinambibili nya ng damit?  Wow, ‘di ba?  Ako kasi, nagtrabaho muna ako for several months bago ako nakabili ng sarili kong damit eh.  Kasi before I got employed, most of my clothes are hand-me-downs from my sister, Glen.  Yung mga first months ko kasi sa work, yung salary ko, binigay ko kay Papa para pambayad ng renta.  Oh ‘di ba?  Ilang linggo lang siyang nag-training eh meron na siyang new wardrobe?  IDOL talaga!  Dapat siguro, ‘di na ako naghanap ng work at all.  Dapat siguro, nagpaka-bum na rin ako katulad niya! 

At eto pa isa: sana ‘di na lang ako naging matalino.  Kasi mas mabuti pa ang ate ko, kahit bobo at walang kadiska-diskarte, aba, eh nakakakain at may natutulugan. For free!  ‘Di mo na kailangang maging matalino ngayon.  Dapat marunong ka lang manggamit ng kapwa mo at mabubuhay ka na.  Maging leech ka lang, you’ll live forever!  ‘Di mo na kailangang magpakasipag at magbali ng buto katulad ng ginagawa ng Mama ko sa States para mabuhay.  Kailangan lang, anak ka sa labas at iniwan ka ng tatay mo para meron kang leverage na pwede mong magamit para ‘di ka na magtrabaho!  Wow!  Grabe, talagang super idol ko ate ko.  She’s the best!  Can’t ask for a “better” sister!  Ang swerte ko talaga sa mga kamag-anak.  Kung ‘di rapist, moocher naman!  Swerte ko talaga…

At eto pa: magkaka-work na “naman” ako this September pag ibinigay na ang job offer sa Datacom.  Second job ko na ‘to.  Gladys: 2 points.  Jovir: nil.  Zero.  Wala. Kulelat. Olats. Nada.  Oo, bilangan na ‘to.  At wala na ‘kong pakialam!

Kung ‘di lang ako “naaawa” sa kanya, matagal na akong nagkatrabaho “uli.” Bakit kamo?  Eh nakakahiya naman kung magkakaroon na ako ng trabaho uli samantalang siya, eh, bum pa rin. Palamunin.  Moocher.  Kahit na ano ang gawin ko, ‘di pa rin niya ma-gets!  Ang bobo talaga.  Tama ang Papa ko…

Tama si Papa.  Walang alam si ate.  Wala siyang skills.  Ma-PR, oo.  Maboka, oo.  Pero hanggang doon lang.  Hanggang salita lang.  Hanggang daldal lang.  Hanggang dito na lang siya at wala na siyang mararating.  Kaya naaawa si Papa sa kanya.  Kaya walang ginagawa si Papa about it.  At naaawa ako kay Papa…

Sige, ako na “naman” ang magpaparaya.  Ako na lang “uli” ang mananahimik.  Kahit sobrang gusto ko nang pumutok sa galit, ayos lang.  Carry lang.  Titiisin ko na lang.  Magpapaka-busy na lang ako sa trabaho “uli.”  Papagurin ang sarili para ‘di na mapansin ang nakapanlulumong sitwasyon sa bahay.  Iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng paghihirap na nararanasan ay may katumbas na biyaya galing sa Kanya. 

Sana nga.

Dahil pagod na ako.

I just talked to my mom over the phone this morning and she said it’s hard for her to find another job in the US. 

About 9 months ago, I told her to leave one of her jobs because I wanted her to have some time for herself.  I’m almost sorry that I did that. Because right now, I don’t have a job and my mom’s and Glen’s combined income isn’t cutting it for us.  I’m almost sorry that I left Sykes to take the NCLEX.  I’m almost sorry that I didn’t push through with the job application in Taguig and/or Ortigas.  I’m sorry that I didn’t crawl on the floor and beg the HR personnel from St. Luke’s to take me…

I told her, “Ma, ‘di mo na kailangang humanap ng isa pang trabaho…  May job opening sa Taguig. Okay lang ba sayo na mag-call center uli ako?”

She told me (and I could tell she wasn’t amused), “Call center na naman?”

I said, “Eh walang ibang choice, Ma.  Freeze hiring ang mga hospitals ngayon…”

She said, as if imploring, “Wag na. Unahin mo na yang mga trainings mo. Handa naman akong magsakripisyo para lang makapag-training ka eh.  Mag-training ka na muna para kapag nakaalis ka, ready ka na, okay?”

I tried to choke back the tears welling up in my eyes because she’ll hear it in my voice and she can’t know how I’m feeling.  She won’t be able to sleep if she knows I’m worrying about her again.  But to no avail… the tears just fell.  What can I do eh mababaw luha ko?

With a little shakiness in my voice and with my hand over my eyes, I told her, “Sige po, Ma. (Pause)… Magte-training po ako, hwag kayong mag-alala.”

Then a looong pause. I asked, “Ma?  Nandiyan ka pa ba?”

She said, “Ah oo, nasa trabaho ako.  Nanonood lang ng ‘The Wedding’ sa TFC.”

Thank God for TFC.  Because of it, my mom was a bit distracted and she didn’t notice.  If she had noticed, I would have cried all the way.

“Sige, Ma. Manood ka na. He he…”

So that same night, Sunday, Glen finally came into our room and found me breathing.  I know it’s crazy but I wanted her to find me in cardiogenic shock.  But modern fairy tales don’t always end in a tragedy.

She gave me a good preaching/sermon about me wasting my life on something or “someone” who isn’t worth it.  “Kadiri!” was her term.  She said that a lot of people (namely, my siblings, my mom, and probably my dad, too) love me and care for me.  She said that I was pushing them away and is that what I wanted to accomplish?  I told her I didn’t want to push them away.  Then, Glen said, I shouldn’t let “her” ruin my life. 

Good point.  But where do I start?

My sister asked me if I already ate dinner.  I said I haven’t eaten anything the whole day and suddenly I realized, I should start by taking care of myself.  My sanity.  My two siblings.

Glen said, I’ve become obsessed.  She said that I’m not acting like a nurse.  I had to concur.  I had to add that maybe I’m not a nurse at all, the way I’ve been acting lately.  She said I should pick myself up and dust myself off – which were not her exact terms but I figured, it has the same meaning anyway.

She said I should start painting again and she’d be willing to buy me oil paint. I told her I have watercolor.  Alright, watercolor then. That should keep me busy and distracted.  In the meantime, she said, I should stop taking whatever it is that I’m taking because it’s not helping.  I told her I needed it. She said I don’t.  Alright, so I don’t.

I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off without the meds but I’m going to give it a try.  I just wish my two siblings will always be here to help me regroup.  I just wish I’d never have to be alone in this…

I think I might have reached my lowest point last Sunday.  Can’t get into the details but it sure seemed like the end for me.  But lo and behold, I’m still here.  I don’t know why.  But god seems to want me to stay.  I’ve asked for release many times before and when I finally got the opportunity to carry out my half-baked plans of departure, it just didn’t work. 

The major details are as follows:

Cause: paranoia, lack of communication, self-persecution, “her”

Effect: alienation, heartache, bruised knees and knuckles, headache, nausea and upset stomach…

You just figure out where the pieces fit.

Good thing, my sibs were there to keep me hangin’ on.  I don’t know what I’d do without my sister and my brother.  I swore that it’d never happen again.  This just can’t go on.  I love them too much…

Yep, that might have been my lowest point. 

I just can’t say the same for her.

Here I am, forcing a smile between gritted teeth.  Telling myself it’s all going to be just peachy. Convincing the voices inside that this is just the workings of paranoia and discontent and nothing else.  That tomorrow will be better.  That I am worth something.  That I have done well.  That my parents are happy and satisfied with what I’ve become.

But the frown lines just won’t go away.  Somehow, graduating from college and getting a degree isn’t enough.  I have to get an MA. Or become a dialysis nurse or a nurse-anesthetist or, good heavens, why not both?  Or work as a nurse in Canada or New Zealand or any country but the Philippines.  Apparently, getting a job that pays isn’t good enough.  I have to get a job in the best hospitals and in the best areas.  And I have to get a high-paying job with a salary that is ridiculously high so that I can afford to be ridiculously rich and hopefully become ridiculously happy at the end of the day.

Whose happiness is this that I am so robotically pursuing?  Is it mine still?  Or have I embraced the culture of dissatisfaction that this materialistic society has engraved in us?

I just want a simple life.  Is it too much to ask?