my life is not about candy dreams and happy thoughts. it’s not about daisies and roses and secret gardens. neither is it about spring nor sunny days. my life… is not about the ideal.

my life is about bittersweet memories and regrets and emotional downpour. it’s about rain and dark skies and foggy horizons. it’s about thorns and wilted dreams. it’s about wounds and scars inflicted on the soul. it’s about mistakes and sins and flaws. my life… is about sad reality.

don’t get me wrong. i don’t hate my life. i don’t hate life. i do appreciate life. but i see it in a different way.

i appreciate life whenever there are problems and obstacles which make me see how complicated life can get sometimes and how simple it really ought to be.

i appreciate life whenever i lose something or someone because it makes me feel that i shouldn’t take anything for granted and that nothing lasts forever.

i appreciate life whenever i get beaten down and trampled upon because i discover strength of spirit and when i make it through [even when i'm bloody and scarred], i feel invincible.

i appreciate life whenever i get lost because i discover alternative routes and bends [along the path i decided to take] which would still get me to where i’m destined to be.

i appreciate life whenever i make mistakes because it enables me to laugh at myself and it makes me feel imperfect or flawed — which is just right considering the fact that we live in an imperfect world.

i appreciate life whenever storms and droughts come or whenever it’s extremely cold or extremely hot because, at least, i know that the world is still turning and times are still changing.

i appreciate life whenever tasks are difficult and labor is tedious because i learn discipline and i recognize the value of hard work and determination.

i appreciate life whenever i get punished for my wrongdoings because it tells me that there are people who still care about morals… and about me.

i appreciate life whenever it’s dark and gloomy because it makes me hope for brighter days.

i appreciate life whenever i bleed or whenever my heart throbs in pain because, at least, i know i’m still alive…

my life is not about the easier or faster way through and/or out. it is not about "settling for the path of least resistance." my life… is about taking the "road less traveled."

in short…

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masokista ako.

i want to be real.

i want to be as real as i can be. i try to be. pretending doesn’t really make me feel good about anything. but sometimes, pretending protects me from appearing vulnerable and from getting hurt. the world can be pretty cruel at times.

but who isn’t pretentious? if i’m pretentious, then i’m not alone, that’s for sure. pretending is one way by which people can feel good about themselves. it’s one way they can make up for what they don’t have. pretending is a form of escape from the bitter reality we face every day.

that’s what’s so beautiful about the human mind. it can make us believe that we are capable of doing things we would normally never dare of doing. it can make us believe that something exists even though it doesn’t or never did. it can make us believe that we are stronger, taller, or braver than we really are. it can make us believe that we have the power to change the way the world works.

but we can’t keep on pretending all the time. i know i can’t. that’s why i do my best to be as honest and truthful [and sometimes, as blunt] as i can be. but this world isn’t making it any easier for me… because everywhere i turn, i am surrounded by the phony, the pretentious, and the unreal. it’s as inescapable as air. it’s as obvious as a black dot on white background.

and it’s killing me. it’s killing me excruciatingly slowly.

i intend to be as real as i can be. but the environment isn’t conducive. and i want out. i don’t want any part of it. if the only way i can be rid of all the phoniness is to be cast out from this town of charlatans, then so be it.

i hate this place…

the chapter meeting nicky told me about turned out to be a birthday party/fellowship thrown by several old brods. i was almost sorry i came because my classmates didn’t show up. plus, nicky told me to come at 1700h but the fellowship started later than that - two hours later, to be exact.

but as the night transpired, my classmates’ absence was a blessing in disguise after all…

i’ve never been to a gathering like that. it’s technically the same as the ones i’ve been to before. but it’s a whole lot different in that, i was involved this time. i used to just watch the event from afar or from a co’s point of view. i used to be on the sidelines, watching the old brods talking to each other, laughing, sharing their experiences from the days of yore. i used to be really stiff and unwelcome.

this time, i was looking at things from within. and everything just seemed surreal to me. i was shaking hands with the brods i never thought i’d be able to meet. i was eating at the same table as they are. i am being introduced as a vanguard. i was exchanging ideas with them. i was there. i existed.

and that was all that mattered.

had i been with my classmates all night, i wouldn’t have enjoyed it the way i did — because i would have clung on to them for dear life in fear of being left alone.

i was almost ready to strangle nicky. but then, it wasn’t so bad after all. so, thanks, brod! that was the best misinformation i’ve had in a long while.

0130h.

everyone here at home is snoozing. except for me, obviously. i feel as though i’m on a tour of duty - walking my post in a military manner and keeping always on the alert and observing everything that takes place within sight or hearing… being especially watchful at night, during the time of challenging… challenging anyone on or near my post and allowing no one to pass without proper authority… blah, blah.

i feel as though i’m a zombie. or any creature of darkness, for that matter. a bat maybe. or anything nocturnal and detesting daylight.

apparently, the lack of sleep [due to previous exam reviews] has not won over my addiction to the net just yet. i’m quite surprised at how i am able to stay up this late whenever i’m surfing the net. it’s quite the reverse when i’m writing my clinical paperwork. i hate staying up late for paperwork.

so typical of me.

sometimes, i would wish i could imagine writing my papers to be as fun as downloading mp3s and reading e-mail from friends. regrettably, that’s where my imagination often fails me.

~~~

if there are three things in this world that i blame most for this acne breakout, these are the late nights, the stress, and the procrastination. the late nights are most probably caused by my own lack of desire to sleep at the same time as everyone else. i get to spend more time alone that way. it’s practically the only time of day i can be totally carefree.

stress is a given. my life is never rid of stress. i believe i was born to be stressed out.

procrastination. i am an advocate. in fact, i procrastinate whenever i can. heck, i can even put off some of the most basic of my needs if i wanted to. yes, even sleep.

i’ve been trained to forego sleep and/or to wake up really early. the only training that paid off and sunk in was that of sleeping late. up until now, i’m still NOT a morning person. i don’t think i will ever be that. but i so need to learn to get up really early because my clinical and community duty requires me to.

i doubt whether i could ever put those two things together and still be rational. i have to go to bed later than usual because of my paperwork but i also have to wake up in the wee hours of the day to get to school.

my zits are going to love me for that. i can already feel them cheering for it to happen.

it’s finally over. but is it really?

i’ve just finished taking my math 101 removals yesterday and boy, did it feel good to finally get it out of my system!

carla, steph, and i had to wait for about three or four long hours to take that exam. we were at the department by 1000h, as scheduled. but we were only entertained/accommodated at about 1400h. that sucked.

it was a total waste of time, energy, and worry. those were the longest, most frustrating hours of my entire day. i just wanted to get it over with.

the exam was a modified true or false type of exam - which is one of my least favorite types of exam. it’s probably the next to enumeration. the best types of exams are those in which you have choices.

my confidence level sits at about 70%. that’s not very confident, if you ask me. it’s math, for pete’s sake! i’m not so sure about my fate after this…

i am hoping to pass. i am wishing. i am begging the lord for me to pass. i cannot take math 101 a third time. i just can’t.

as my brod rv said, "wala na [akong] excuse" para bumagsak. for one, i am no longer a cadet officer. then, i practically have all summer to study. and i did study. i just wish i studied hard enough to make it through this time.

"nasa diyos ang awa; nasa tao ang gawa…"

oh please god, let me pass math 101!

i wish i could have enough time - let’s say one more year or even longer - to figure things out. for most people, a year is more than enough to get back on their feet and start anew. but not for me. no sir!

like tweety, "am gettin’ kunfushed!" i’m getting more confused by the hour. i’m depressed. or maybe not. i’m probably a hypochondriac and i just feel as though i’m depressed but i’m really not. is it stress? is it exhaustion? is it some kind of coping mechanism that doctors have not yet discovered? is it something viral? is it terminal?

i do have good days. but i have more bad days than good ones. sometimes i’m as light as feather, high, happy - like nothing can get me down and life is so good. sometimes i’m just so miserable and problematic and life sucks and things can only get worse. the sadder truth is: i haven’t the slightest idea why.

i’m supposed to be checking into a psychiatric clinic this summer. i’m not kidding. i am scheduled to consult a psychiatrist regarding my troubles. i do know that i have a problem because - whatever this is - it’s not normal. and i want to find out what it is. unfortunately, i had to forego the consultation for something else. but i’m not going to elaborate on that.

so here i am. basically, i’m where i started. good god, i haven’t even moved an inch from where i started.

whatever this is that i’m going through right now, i can’t keep on going through it. god, i need to bounce back. i’m only about 3 more months away from my clinicals and community duty and i need to be in control. i can’t be in control when my mind wanders off without me even knowing it. seriously, i’ve got to put some sort of alarm in my head whenever my mind is in danger of drifting. i must get my focus back.

i just wish i could remember where i put it.

like most days, i slept through half of today and got up at about 1200h to eat what’s left of my dad’s mocha cake. while doing that, i was in front of the tv watching a catch-up marathon/rerun of the amazing race 5.

and i thought: what the f*ck is wrong with me?

i’m probably the biggest loser this side of pandacan. dito lang naman sa pandacan… let’s not go any farther.

i’m old enough to get a job but i don’t have one just yet. and i haven’t even tried looking - i mean, really tried. i am way overstaying here in up manila and i’d probably be the oldest student nurse of batch 2007 to [hopefully] graduate.

even worse: i have an exam tomorrow - a removal exam - in math 101 and i haven’t even reviewed a page of that math 101 manual. for heaven’s sake, i have already failed that course once and i don’t plan to fail it again. but i’m too lethargic or too frustrated to even go near that manual.

what the f*ck is wrong with me?

i believe i have everything that i would ever need. i have a loving family. i have a roofed house and a warm bed to sleep in. i am being fed well. i am studying in a state university where i don’t have to pay much to get quality education. my future is virtually secured…

i am not deprived at all.

so what is it that’s so wrong this time?

do i lack motivation? do i lack drive? i’ve gotten this far haven’t i? what is it that’s missing now which is keeping me from excelling or, at least, doing well… because right now, i’m just doing fine.

but i guess, fine doesn’t quite cut it. fine is not who i am - or, at least, not who i was. people, then and now, don’t expect me to be fine. people expect me to be great.

but i’m not. i’m just fine. i’m taking everything slowly. is it so wrong to take things slowly? i don’t think so. but why do i feel otherwise? why do i feel like i’m running out of time?

i’m just fine. i’m laid back. is it wrong to be laid back? i don’t think so. but why do i feel otherwise? why do i feel like i need to be always up and about?

i’m just fine. i’m surviving. is it wrong to be surviving? i don’t think so. why then, do i feel otherwise? why do i feel that i can’t just merely survive? why do i feel like i need to go bounty hunting, conquering and pillaging kingdoms, and cutting people’s throats along the way?

i’m just fine. but why does it feel so wrong?

kung may nanonood man dito ng "the contender," i would just want to express my disappointment over alfonso gomez jr.’s defeat just last week. sayang lang talaga na hindi pa siya nakaabot sa final three. he was so close.

i first saw him fight about two or three weeks ago and since then, i’ve been a fan. i think he was the smallest among all the contenders and he was the first one to fight.  most of the other contenders think that he’s a really nice individual. when i first saw him, i thought so, too. he was this puppy/baby-faced mexican boxer who was always smiling in his interviews but was as ferocious and resilient in the ring.  he won the confidence and respect of sugar ray leonard and sylvester stallone.

it was ironic that he had to lose to the guy he defeated in his first fight in the show - peter manfredo jr. peter was already eliminated then but was requested to come back in the later episodes.

peter was thankful to alfonso because he gave him the two greatest fights of his life. peter only had praises for alfonso after the 7-round fight. they both gave it their best. unfortunately, only one can move on to the next round. i just wish it had been alfonso. i think he really deserved it.

sugar and sly commented on the fight and they both agreed that peter grew because of alfonso. alfonso defeated peter before and peter took it as a challenge and he learned from that experience. if it wasn’t for alfonso gomez jr., peter manfredo, jr. as a part of the final three contenders would have been just an idea and nothing more.

i love alfonso! even if he lost, he’ll always be the champion for me. i strongly feel that i’d be seeing more of him soon. it’s funny sometimes how some people can affect other peoples’ lives in extraordinary and peculiar ways.

sometimes, i wish i could do that, too. kaya lang, i’m not that charismatic.

oh well.

i don’t remember where i’ve read this fact and i don’t know whether it’s still pertinent nowadays, but it’s always been said that:

"men prefer strong, outgoing, and independent women.”

bullcrap.

sa dami ng nakikita kong couples ’round here, i haven’t seen any evidence supporting such a claim. most of those girls, if not all of them, are what i would categorize as "damsels in distress" — girls who sit and wait for their prince charming or knight-in-shining-armor to save them from an upsetting situation. girls who need protection, are afraid to break their nails and to get their hands dirty, are virtually untouched by the burning afternoon sun, have flawless skin, are gentle and vulnerable, and are afraid to become all sweaty and “amoy-araw."

so what’s my point? believe me, i have a point.

‘di ko sinasabing masamang maging "damsel in distress." hindi naman, eh. it’s just natural for a girl to be "girly.” it’s not something that’s bad.

but it’s not a bad thing to be born into the "other" category, either… that "other" category being "heroines" — girls who do the rescuing and stuff. girls who have bled and have incurred several scars over time, have been dyed by the sun, are often times dirty and sweaty due to labor, lack a few social graces, are strong-minded and in command, and are oftentimes devoid of saviors but themselves to depend on.

now, men do not want the latter. they don’t want resolute women. they want them gentle and docile. they don’t want women who are scarred or scorched or sweaty. they want the flawless skin and the scent of eau de toilette. they don’t want simplicity in women. they want women to be as pretty and ornamented as they come. they don’t want women who are in control nor do they want women who don’t need them for their protection… their egos prevent them from doing that…

in short, if any guy tells you that he prefers "strong, outgoing, and independent women," you have to think twice. or you have to ask him to say it all over again because you might’ve misheard it the first time. better yet, ask him to prove it.

now, THAT, i gotta see…

i believe that it’s a whole lot easier said than done.

it’s been the most dismal of all episodes of the american idol for this season.  maybe not for some people, but it was for me - being an anthony federov fan and all…  i was still hoping he’d make it to the final three since he’s been really lucky these last few weeks.

i was heartbroken when ryan seacrest declared vonzell solomon as ’safe.’  that really hurt.

but i’ve been expecting that to happen anyway.  in fact, i thought he wouldn’t even make it through week 15 [the week constantine maroulis got sent home].  the bottom three then were constantine, anthony, and vonzell.  i thought that that was the end of it all for him because the other two were really strong that week.  and scott savol - who i’ve always predicted to be in grave danger of being voted off and who i’ ve always considered to be anthony’s buffer - was at the top three with carrie underwood and bo bice.

many people were shocked to find out that constantine had been voted off.  even the judges [especially paula] were upset.  to put it bluntly, i think they would have preferred anthony voted off over constantine - which was understandable.

i was upset, too, because i thought constantine was also great… but i felt relieved, as well.  at least, anthony was safe.  lucky guy!  a bad week and bad reviews/critique and still he’s safe…

week 16:  anthony was again at the bottom two.  this time, as i have expected, he was with scott.  but then scott was at his best that week.  i don’t know if it had anything to do with the fact that that same elimination day was anthony’s birthday], but the lucky guy did it again!  he escaped being voted off and made it to the final four! 

i knew that the moment america sends scott savol home, anthony’s days would be numbered.  for several reasons:

1) scott and anthony were evidently the two weakest competitors in terms of performance. amateurish, as simon cowell puts it.  take scott away and you’re left with only one weakest competitor - anthony.

2) anthony was the only ‘tainted’ [his parents are from ukraine] american idol finalist left.  constantine maroulis - who was greek - had already been voted off.  the remaining finalists: carrie, bo, and vonzell, are ‘all-american.’  let’s face it: this is american idol!  americans are usually very picky.  and we cannot erase the fact that some americans are still racially prejudiced.

week 17 and  the day of reckoning:  he performed ‘i’m already there’ and ‘if you don’t know me by now’ which was also carrie’s choice of song.  it didn’t work for her but it did for anthony.  i think those two were hitting it off.  when the final four performed ‘islands in the stream’ and carrie and anthony sang the chorus together, sparks were flying!  they were always looking at each other and they even held each other’s hands at the end of the song.  boy, was i jealous!

anyway, when ryan announced that anthony was going home, i wasn’t so surprised.  his luck - if that’s what it was - had run out.  but as i’ve told you earlier, i was heartbroken.  there wasn’t much of a commotion in the crowd, even less from the judges, but carrie was teary-eyed.  and so was i. 

anthony sang a song [and forgot some of the lyrics] for the last time.  as he was doing so, he would look at carrie and then carrie said [what i perceived or made out as]: ‘i love you.’

[sigh] me and my broken dreams.  he he he.

anyway, it was the saddest episode yet.  probably, the saddest episode ever.  for me at least.  but that won’t keep me from watching american idol.  there’s still bo bice to look out for.  rockers rule!

i wonder who’s going home next…