while i’m on the topic of addiction, i’d better spill the beans:  the coffee beans, that is…

i’m a coffee person now.  wasn’t much of a coffee person growing up.  but my mom was.  or still is.  and this is probably one way by which i could feel closer to her.  my mom would always have a cup of coffee around.  she even used to have this mammoth of a mug to drink from.  sometimes i wonder where that mug went…

anyway, she needed the coffee.  when she was still here, she worked ’round the clock.  i suppose now that she’s there and she’s juggling two or three jobs, she still does. 

i think i need coffee, too.  i don’t work 24/7 but i don’t seem to have enough time for all my ADL’s [activities of daily living].   and if only there was a way i could lengthen my day [i mean, literally], i’d do just that.  unfortunately, i’m no miracle worker.  all i can do is to lengthen it by staying awake longer.  and to accomplish that, i need coffee.  anything with caffeine in it should do the trick, but there’s just something about coffee that makes me tingle all over.

my dad’s a bit worried because i drink 3-5 cups [or a pitcher] of cold coffee every night whenever i had to stay up late to write.  i’ve never drank this much coffee before.  i’m practically hooked now… it’s not substance abuse but it’s not a totally healthy habit either. 

and it’s freaking my dad out. 

it’s freaking me out, too but i don’t care!

lately, i’ve been having this creepy obsession over gerard way and my chemical romance. 

fyi: my chemical romance [mcr] is an alternative/metal/goth/punk/emo rock group based in new jersey and is composed of 5 band members: vocalist, gerard way; bassist, mikey way; guitarists, frank iero & ray toto; and drummer, bob bryar. 

they’ve been around since 2002 [or way before] and have released two albums in the last three years.  the first album was entitled: i brought you my bullets, you brought me your love [2002].  the new one is called: three cheers for sweet revenge [2004] - out of which came the phenomenal single ‘helena’ and the self-help pop/rock song ‘i’m not okay (i promise).’ 

the band is visually defined by their black suits, ties, goth make-up, head banging, and distinctive videos. they also seem to have this color code of blacks, whites, and reds and an inclination towards death, gore, and all things spooky - which is evident in the ‘helena’ video, their new album, their live appearances/performances, and in their official website.

i like their songwriting in that the titles are very well thought out and are most often gruesomely intriguing, the lyrics are full of conviction and are truthful and metaphorical all at the same time, and the melodies are extremely stimulating and rather addictive.

i also like the fact that although they’re a rock group, you’d notice that there’s some form of dancing in every one of their videos as if it was some sort of musical or something.  how queer is that?

lastly [and most of all], i like the vocalist.  i can’t imagine the band without gerard way’s powerful, animated, scratchy, lingering voice which gives the songs their idiosyncratic mcr brand. apart from that, gerard has already given a face to the band.  he’s like the band mascot for some reason. he’s always wearing the taboo make-up and brandishing the black suit and the red tie.  he has also contributed to the band’s visual distinction by creating artwork for the album, website, etc.  fyi: he’s an animator/visual artist.  we’re a match made in…

hell?  sweet!

moreover, gerard way is way irresistible [pardon the pun].  behind that goth make-up, he’s really cute!  and you know how i am with cute frontmen! i drool! he’s sooo drool-worthy.  too bad, he’s already married.  anyway…

overall, they’re one creative band.  they make brilliant modern rock music.  and i’m hooked on them.

i’m so hooked, in fact, that in a matter of 2 nights, i was able to download 2 videos and 5 mp3’s!  i’ve downloaded a bellyful of pictures, too.  i’ve even voted for them about 60 or more times at mtv.com so that they’d win the mtv2 award and the viewers’ choice nomination for the upcoming 2005 mtv video music awards [vma’s] on aug 28.  just check the site if you want to know what i mean…

for the record, i’ve never been this obsessed about a rock band before.  and of all genres, i couldn’t really relate much to hardcore metal/goth/punk type of rock because of all the screaming, the loud music, the cussing and the topic of death and depression.  i’ve swooned over a few bands in the past but this is a different form of fixation.  it’s scary, and it kind of bothers some people at some point. 

but i tell them, i’m okay.  nothing to worry about.  nothing wrong with this kind of musical preference.  it’s just not typical of me because i’ve been known to prefer feel-good, alternative music… 

but i’m really okay. i promise! ; )

it kills me to think that i’m probably never getting married.  i know i’m a rock at some points.  but i’m still fairly human.  i’m still preordained to feel for and meet somebody, right?  or maybe not.

maybe i should start hammering the thought into my head: i was meant to be alone. to live alone. to die alone.  i know i’m too young to give up on life but something tells me that my fate is that of the lonely.  i’m not sure what it is that’s making me feel this way but i’m feeling it anyway…

but so what?  i was born alone.  i’ve lived practically on my own all this time [except for that one freak incident].  what’s twenty or so years of being alone gonna do to me? it won’t hurt me or kill me, that i know for a fact.  bring it on!

of course, it’s easier said than felt.  right about now, i must confess that i fear being alone.  that part of me which is still quite attached to humanity is whispering to me now and then.  and the goddamn whispering gets louder every freakin’ day.  all the "what if’s" and "if only’s."  all the "could have been’s" and "might have been’s."  all the regrets and hopes.  they all come back to haunt me.

and it scares the livin’ day lights out of me.

adult life is complicated.  i wish i was still a baby.  then i wouldn’t have to think about tomorrow and what lies beyond it.  life is some scary shit.  you don’t know what’s coming and you sure as hell don’t have any input on the matter.

love is just the same, i suppose.  it’s a killer.  and the thing is, we don’t usually see it that way.  until it has already struck us down and messed us up and made fools out of us.  by then, it would be too late.  there’s nothing we can do about it.  it’s there and it’s staying and we will never be the same again.  we’re either gon’ make a turn for the worse or we’re gon’ make a turn for the worse…

love.

can’t live with it. can’t live without it…

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but i still think i’m never getting married.