i just found out last week that i’m clinically depressed.  and it’s the real deal, this time.  it’s not something i diagnosed on my own.  it’s official.

i didn’t know whether i was just on the verge of breaking down or god just figured it was high time that i consulted a psychiatrist about my troubles but, for some reason, i was able to visit the up-pgh health services to get a referral.  i’ve been desperately planning to go there for the longest time.  but with my academics and everything else going on, i just couldn’t prioritize it.  it’s a good thing that my sister gave me the nudge i needed: she told me that i had to go.  i just had to.  this has gone on long enough.

and i did.  i got a referral after a really uneasy interview with the physician in the health services.  that same day, i went to ward 7 [pgh psych ward]. 

yeah, i went up there again [the office of the chief resident of the pgh psych ward is located on the mezzanine floor of the ward] just like i did about a year ago when i first attempted to schedule a consultation.  nothing much has changed.  the walls were still insufferably lime green and the stairs are still making me queasy and claustrophobic.  i sat and waited for about an hour before the chief resident emerged from a conference.  the chief resident turned out to be a man this time [unlike before] and i can honestly say that i had a few qualms about that fact. 

anyway, i was scheduled to reappear last october 4 at 4 pm. i almost didn’t make it because my group’s presentation in n-119 lasted beyond 4 pm. i sneaked out of class to get to ward 7 just a mere 5 minutes beyond my schedule.

then the interview began.  it started slow, unproductive, and confusing [both for me and the chief resident].  but after saying the magic words:  "sadness which has gone on for about a year now… lack of interest in usually enjoyable activities… lag in academic performance," and after crying my eyes out, the conversation led him to the conclusion:

"this is what we call clinical depression." 

ah, finally.  an expert opinion.  an irrefutable confirmation.  a validated diagnosis.  a pulvule of fluoxetine once a day [preferably after breakfast] for 6 months hereafter.  a visit to the psych ward at most once a week for psychotherapy. 

life is good.  life’s a peach.  at least now i know what’s wrong with me.  at least i know what to do…

i’m supposed to go back on the 17th for a session of psychotherapy.  i haven’t taken my meds just yet because i can’t seem to find fluoxetine anywhere ’round here.  but i’ll find some.  i have to…

if you have the time or if you’re interested in knowing more about depression [from a dysfunctional view], you can read this entry from the other blog:

about to jump off a ledge four floors up.

- i must shampoo twice each bath.  not once.  but two times.  even if it dries my hair and scalp.  i must always shampoo first, rinse the shampoo, then proceed with the rest of the body.

- i am compelled to wash my face at least three times each bath or face washing.

- i must always brush my teeth at least twice each brushing. 

- i must always open the lights of a darkened room and check the room before entering. i must always have my back on the wall until the lights go on to make sure that nobody or nothing attacks or surprises me from the back.

- i must read a composition of mine about 5 or more times to check for grammatical errors.  errors that evade me even after 5 readings frustrate me greatly.

- i am sometimes compelled to eat everything [food] that i see.  i would only stop eating when there’s no more food left.  this only applies when i’m eating alone.

- sometimes i listen to music repeatedly and continuously.  even if the excessive repetition sickens me, i can’t seem to stop.

- i love cats.  ironically, though: after touching a cat, i must always wash my hands with soap and water.  i was brought up to believe that i am allergic to cats.

- when i wash my hands, i must always remove my ring first, wash my hands with soap and water, then wash my ring with soap and water, put it on, then wash my hands again.

- i can’t seem to get over the fact that in a jar of m&m’s, one color [e.g. orange] is greater in number than the others.  so i eat that color of m&m’s until i feel that the numbers are balanced.  then i find that another color has emerged as greater in number than the others.  and the cycle goes on and on until there’s nothing more to eat.

- i must always make sure that in every document i type, there must always be some form of formatting [i.e. bold or italicized letters].

- when using the toilet for urinating, i do not sit on the bowl.  i sort of… hover over it.  when defecating, i should chlorinate the seat first then rinse it before i sit.  if there is no chlorine, soap will suffice.

- i run whenever i can or whenever i feel like i should.  i run on the streets.  i run in school.  i run in the hospital wards.  i run on heels.

- i must always walk faster than everyone else in the crowd.  everyone else is either too slow or too slow.

- when cutting my nails, i always cut my fingernails first before the toenails.  from the thumbs/big toes first to the pinkies/little toes.  i cut them just close enough to the nailbeds then i file them in the same order.

- when i pluck my eyebrows, i must not leave one stray strand standing.  the brows must have a smooth arch underneath.

- when i eat a rice meal, i make sure that the viand will be proportional to the rice with every bite.  i must always either have one spoonful of rice and viand or a piece of the viand to chew on at the end of each meal.

- i clean my ears every damn day.  i sometimes clean it twice a day.

- i fold the wrappers of the rice in fastfood restaurants into four with the non-printed side inwards.  i don’t crumple.  i flatten the empty bag of fries. 

- whenever i ride the jeep, i always sit right next to the exit.  on an uneventful day, i can always take the next jeep when the seat next to the exit has already been taken.  on a busy day though, i’d sit anywhere.

- when riding on public vehicles, i must always sit where at least one side of me is against a wall of the vehicle or an empty space.  i cannot stand being in between two people.  i’d stand in a bus if i had to.

- i must always wear slippers.  i cannot walk into a bathroom without slippers.  i’m terribly afraid of hookworm infestation.

- in public toilets, i push the flush lever with my foot.

- i am inefficient when writing my clinical paperwork with the use of a pen.  i am obsessed with typing.  i must almost always type or create a document with a computer.

- i’ve already traveled [i.e. gone from my house to some place or vice versa] at every hour of the day – which means that if we are going to tally the times i’ve traveled into a table with columns containing the 24 hours of the day, i’d fill all the columns up with at least one instance.

- when you count the letters in each of my names [i.e. given name, middle name, surname], you would end up with 6-6-6. that goes the same with my sister’s name.

- from the time i turned 10, i had not had a single birthday party.

- i have already planned how my graduation would look like even when i’m not yet sure whether i’d graduate or not at all.  from the simplest choice of clothing to the grandest details of the program, i’ve got it all figured out.

- i was born with my umbilical cord coiled around my neck.  my mom had about three close calls while she was having me… which leads me to ask: am i supposed to be here?

- i was born heavier than any of my siblings and yet, i’m the smallest of us all.

- i stopped growing at the age of 15.

- i will be the oldest nursing student to graduate in april 2007… provided that i graduate, of course…

- i once argued with a professor about the pronunciation of the word "maple."  i said MEY-pol [as in staple]. she corrected me and said MAH-pol [like apple with an 'm'].  but i insisted. she gave me a bad grade.  i hated her since then.

- i’ve argued with several university and military authorities before.  i’ve never been punished.

- i have already run about 9 kilometers nonstop.

- the worst injury i’ve had was a sprained toe.

- i believe that i will only live to about 40.

- i must be cremated when i die.  the second best thing would be to be buried in "libingan ng mga bayani."  or if no one claims me, i can always offer my body to science.