i never forced anyone to love me.  i have never begged anyone to love me.  i don’t even recommend that people love me because i’m simply not lovable.  in fact, i’m rather easy to hate.  i do one thing and people start carrying torches and farm tools and then set off hunting me down like i’m some abominable creature from hell.  [think of movies like: frankenstein, dracula, beauty and the beast.]

 sometimes i purposely make people hate me because it’s a whole lot easier than trying to make everybody like you.  sometimes, i’m just plain horrible and people start hating me even before i say a word.  i guess i have a knack for driving people away without trying too hard, huh?

 i never asked anyone to love me.  i just don’t think i deserve to be loved.  i don’t want to be forced to love anyone either, so… i guess it’s just fair. 

 i never wanted to be my dad’s favorite because i’m such a letdown.  i never asked that my grandma love me more than any of her grandkids because i’m not a good grandkid.  i never wanted my friends to love me because they know how i screw things up.

 but i guess unconditional love knows no bounds.  no matter how worthless or unpleasant you are, no matter how much you make people’s lives miserable, no matter how close you are to becoming the offspring of the devil, if someone loves you, you really can’t force that person not to.  [likewise, if someone hates you, you can't force that person to like you no matter how hard you try.  that's called unconditional hatred.]  all you can do is to take all the love in and try to make good use of it.

 if you love them back, you love them back.  if you can’t love them back, then you can’t. 

 it’s rather difficult to be loved when you’re not perfect and you’re always letting people down.  being loved makes you want to be a better person.  being loved makes you want to transform from a worthless piece of crap to a gift from heaven.

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 oh, but i can’t be THAT.

this is a review on “viva la bam” – an mtv show which is produced by bam margera [who you may remember from "mtv jackass"]. 

bam margera was one of the “jackasses” who did pranks on people and stuff and dared to inflict pain among themselves, too.  the “jackasses” disbanded after some time but remained close friends.  bam left the show to produce his own thing and ended up with one awesome, obnoxious, side-splitting, and terrorizing show which he named after himself.

this cute, rich, spoiled, ill-mannered, happy-go-lucky skaterboy/punk/prankster is also the star of his show.  “viva la bam” is basically about bam and how he loves doing pranks and making fools out of his mom and dad [ape and phil, respectively], his uncle [don vito], and his friends.  he plays by his own rules and mtv pays him big money for making up the silliest, most disturbing and hair-raising of stunts and mischief ever performed for television.  if you liked “jackass,” you’d especially love “viva la bam.”  i guarantee it.

unless of course you have a problem with breaking rules and being naughty and stuff like that… if you’re not into prank shows, then you’re definitely going to hate bam because he’s really mean and wicked…

which is exactly why i love him and his show!  i love the way he’d manipulate people and get his way [and get away with it] almost every time.  he’s so charming even when he’s so obnoxious.  there’s also something about the way his family deal with the show.  i think they put up with the pranks because they love bam, they’re having fun, and because they get paid to be in the show anyway. 

“viva la bam” is all about mischief and mayhem.  there are no morals here, that i can say for sure.  but entertainment doesn’t always have to be wholesome, does it?

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i also recommend the mtv show, “wildboyz” for you prank/stunt lovers out there.  the show is just like “jackass” but with an educational, environmental, nature-trippin’ twist to it.  it stars the two other guys from “jackass” namely, chris pontius and steve-o.  they’re so hilarious and masochistic that you’d ask yourself: “what the f*ck are these guys doing?”

it’s entertainment and learning about nature – the HARD way!

my therapist said that it’s actually good to have some form of vent for my thoughts and feelings like a diary or a blog like this.

it just never occurred to me that pouring your heart out and being as transparent as you could possibly be would lead you to lose all sense of security.  i never thought that speaking my mind would actually make me vulnerable.  or i have probably thought of it, but i never quite paid attetion to it because it didn’t matter to me at all.

now i see that i’ve made a terrible mistake.

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there’s nothing funny about depression.  nothing funny about it at all.  i just wish people would stop and think twice before laughing at a person with ideations of death.

it’s not very therapeutic to laugh at a clinically depressed individual.

you, of all people, ought to know that.

i would like to take this opportunity to thank [with no particular order] the people who have been so helpful in keeping me sane during my most troubled of days…

thank you:

to my therapist, dr. s, for not pushing me to take the meds when i couldn’t and for bearing with me when i’m lost in thought and when i’m irritatingly teary-eyed.

to the professors and personnel in the college of nursing, for the motherly support, long-awaited affirmation, and the eventual acceptance.  i deserve this second chance and i will prove it to you.

to my evil twin sister, glen, for virtually everything.  from the smallest details like forcedly feeding me bananas and chocolate to the biggest forms of help like accompanying me to the health services, standing by me through thick and thin, and being the best lil’ sister anyone could ever ask for.

to my not-so-little brother, mark, for being the mature and grownup individual that you are and for the jokes and the laughs.  i’m also sorry that i haven’t been much of a big sister to you.

to my friends [you know who you are, i suppose], for the company and the good times, for the support and involvement, for the trust and sense of belongingness, for the smiles that you never failed to put on my face with every interaction, and for just being there.

to my brod, rv ‘01, for all the valuable advice and the life lessons.

to she, for the words of encouragement and unfaltering support.

to the corps, for the weathering and the lessons learned the hard way.  i have no regrets.

to the pugadlawin family, for the trust and the belief in my abilities and in what i can offer.

to shella [and company], for being the kind-hearted individuals that you are and for the trust and confidence you’ve wasted on me.

to fat [and company], for the laughs, fun conversations, strolls in the mall, and for being the living reminders of the good ol’ days.  we will see each other through to the end.  i will be so happy to graduate alongside you guys.

to my groupmates in n-119, for being the brilliant individuals that you are and for carrying me through the cdx.  i will do my best to repay you when we begin our interventions this sem. 

to king [and company], for the unfaltering friendship, for the words of encouragement, and for teaching me the value of hard work, time management, adjustment, and self-discipline.  thank you for the memories. 

to gerard [and company], for the music and the inspiration.  i’ve never been so proud to be dysfunctional in all my life.  thank you for teaching me the value of grieving, sadness, and expression of emotions, however negative they may be.

to ate leah, for the words of encouragement and the attention and support.

to miguel and jevs, for the testimonials and the overrating.  believe me, those actually helped.

finally, but most especially, to my parents… for everything.  for the life you never had but which you’ve tried so hard to give me and my siblings.  for the dreams that never materialized because of all the sacrifices you had to make.  for the sleepless nights, heartaches, wrinkles, and grey hair i’ve given you.  for the years you’ve wasted bringing up a bad sheep like me.  you tell me that i’m a good kid because i don’t do drugs, drop out of school, rob banks, have pre-marital sex, or kill people.  all i know is that i don’t do those things because you, of all people, deserve the best.  i cannot and will not dishonor you. 

i love you all…

well, except for my therapist, that is.  at least, i don’t love him just yet.

heto ang mga plano ko para sa sarili ko.  [tingin kasi ng iba, wala akong kaplano-plano, eh. but i beg to differ.]

pagkagraduate ko, magbo-boards ako agad.  i probably won’t have time to rest even then.

habang hinihintay ang results ng board exams, maglalakad ako ng mga papeles at magtatrabaho kahit papaano.

kapag nakuha ko na yung results ng board exams at lisensyado na ako, i’d start working formally.  kasi required na yata kaming magtrabaho for 2 years dito sa ‘pinas bago mag-abroad.  [kung sakaling 'di kami required, diretso na ako sa states.]

‘di pa ako sigurado kung saan ako magtatrabaho dito, pero plano ko sana na magpa-CAD at maging army nurse.  pagnagpa-CAD ka kasi at graduate ka ng advance ROTC, pagpasok mo, captain agad ang rank mo.  [or so i'm told.]

siguro, mga 2 taon ako sa army.  gusto ko kasing maranasan ‘yon.  gusto ko rin kasing maglingkod sa bayan.  sana ma-promote ako.  sana lang naman.  pagkatapos no’n: magre-retire na ako.

by that time, ayos na ang papers ko to leave for the states.  magtatrabaho ako sa ospital na pinagtatrabahuan ng nanay ko.  para magkasama na kami at last.

magpupursige akong makaipon para maibili ng bahay ang mga magulang ko.  sa loob ng 2 taon siguro, nakapagpundar na ako ng bahay sa san jose [kahit maliit lang, okay na].

habang nagtatrabaho, aayusin ko ang applications ko for med school.

plano ko nga kasi sanang mag-med.  gusto ko sanang mag-aral sa harvard med school.  maliban sa dahilang maganda ang medicine sa harvard, service-oriented kasi ang curriculum nila.  ‘tsaka kung ‘di rin lang ako matatanggap sa up med, at least man lang, mapunta ako sa harvard.

makapal na kung makapal ang mukha ko…

libre naman ang mangarap, eh.

siyempre, habang nag-aaral, dapat may pinagkukunan din ako ng pangmatrikula.  ayoko nang umasa sa mga magulang ko.  marami na kasi silang nagawa para sa ‘kin.  gusto kong makatapos sa sariling kayod.

so magtatrabaho pa rin ako kung kakayanin.

kung pagpalain ng diyos at makatapos ng med at makapag-ipon para sa mga magulang, babalik ako sa pilipinas.  i swear to god and country!

ewan ko lang kung kailangan pa ng pilipinas ng doktor pagbalik ko.  sana ‘di pa huli ang lahat.  gusto ko pa kasing makatulong at maibalik sa mga maliliit na mamamayan ang ibinayad nila para lang makapag-aral ako.  gusto kong makapagligtas ng buhay.

sabi ko nga ‘di ba, may messianic complex ako. 

sana matupad ang mga pangarap ko.  mahirap nang ‘di matupad ang mga plano sa buhay.

baka tuluyan na ‘kong mabuwang.

pero sabi nga ng psychotherapist ko:  relax.  mahaba pa ang panahon.  if one thing does not go as planned, you will always have other options.

you can always change your plans…

people can relate.

it doesn’t mean that they’ve lived through the same circumstances that you have. but it could be that they’ve somehow felt like you once did. and it helps to know that you’re not the only hitchhiker stranded on the highway of life waiting for some car to give you a ride or to hit you.

i guess if there’s one good thing that came out of this depression spell, it’s the realization that i’m not at all that different… that i’m not really alone in my suffering… that there are people out there who are far more troubled and lost… and that there is always a way out.

i’m on my way out, i guess. or at least that’s how it seems. i’m hoping to find salvation along the way. i’m not sure of what form this ’salvation’ of mine is going to take. but i’ll be waiting for it.

after a year of wondering about what to do with my life should i get kicked out of upcn, of thinking about the worst possible scenarios, of battling with the urge to give it all up, and of worrying about my doomed existence…

i’ve finally passed n-105! god help it!

it’s only after discussing my academic problems with my shrink, after getting my completed grade, and after talking to a classmate of mine, that i realized:  there is a big difference between a grade of 4.0 and an incomplete grade.

when you get an incomplete grade [which was what i got], it only means that you already have a grade but you still have a requirement to pass [in my case, the clinicals] in order to complete the grade.  you will not fail unless you were not able to do or pass the requirement within an academic year.  whereas, when you get a grade of 4.0, it means that you would have to remove that grade and end up with either a passing 3.0 or a failing grade of 5.0.  to put it simply, you have a better chance of passing with an incomplete grade.

so what the hell was i worrying about for one whole freaking year?!  absolutely nothing!  i might’ve known it all along but somewhere down the line, i lost track of all the positive possibilities and ended up embracing the worst to come.  it’s highly probable that i’ve known of the difference between an INC and a 4.0 but that i’ve been so afraid and traumatized that i thought i was making my way through a mine field… that i could take one wrong step and blow up into pieces any second.

how’s that for paranoid delusions?

i knew that i had a knack for imagining things but who ever thought i was capable of scaring myself silly and to death?! 

that sucked.  that realization really sucked.

although the lesson was learned, i’m still prone to think that way – especially now that the second sem is about to start.  i hope i make it through…  because i’m so tired of being a 3rd year student…

gusto ko namang maging 4th year!  at isang sem na lang!  yehey!

fyi: requiescat in pace [pronounced as rek'wee-es'kat in pey'see] is a latin phrase which means: ‘may [he] rest in peace.’

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just so you know, i have already finished 2 weeks of my medication.  my therapist told me that i’d feel ‘on the edge’ within the first two weeks of taking fluoxetine hcl.  and then after that, i’d start feeling better.

the good news is:  i have gone through the ‘on the edge’ phase and it wasn’t so bad.  i was just a nervous wreck for half of the week and i had a lot of crying-and-laughing-for-no-reason spells and a healthy boost of suicidal thoughts to top it all off.  yeah, it wasn’t so bad.

the bad news is:  i already know the adverse effects of the drug.  just to name a few…  drowsiness, lack of initiative, gastric upset, insomnia.  this ought to be good for my academics.  i’m supposed to take the drug until april 15 – because believe it or not, i’ve already counted the days from my first intake to exactly six months thereafter [para tipid!].

i can live with the gastric upset, i guess.  an upset stomach isn’t really new to me.  but the drowsiness and/or the lack of initiative ought to be a problem.  i’m not very efficient when i’m drowsy or sleepy.  and, well… you know what lack of initiative does.  i’m already lethargic at this point in time and i’m afraid that i might procrastinate even more when school starts again.

one good thing about insomnia is that i can use it to my advantage.  or at least, that’s what i think because i haven’t proven the following theory yet:  fluoxetine is to be taken in the morning after breakfast and it is not advisable to take the drug in the afternoon because it causes insomnia.  i need to stay awake at night to work on my papers.  therefore, if i take fluoxetine in the afternoon, i might be able to stay up late to write.  does that make any sense at all?  i mean it still needs to be proven but, it’s a good theory to start with, don’t you think?

i bet that if i keep on thinking this way for the rest of the sem, then i’ll be damned for all eternity.  my therapist says i can’t live without sleep.  i mean, we all need sleep for cryin’ out loud!  what kind of freak can forego sleep for hours [even days] at a time?

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oh yeah…

a upcn student can and would forego sleep if the occasion calls for it.

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disclaimer:

the title is NOT, in any way, related to the content of this post…