or is it ‘chestnuts roasting on an open fire?’ 

beats me.

my brother’s been singing that line for a couple of days now.  not exactly a good rip-off but the way he sang it was enough to make me laugh my head off.  we don’t celebrate christmas like most folks do.

it’s not exactly christmassy ’round here at home.  my sibs have gone shopping for food and all, but there are no christmas trees, christmas lights, or anything that’d remind you of the season anywhere in or on this house.  not a entity.  and we actually like it that way.  while the rest of the street [or the rest of pandacan] is all lit up with lights and fancy lanterns of all shapes and sizes, our house remains one of the darkest, simplest, most boring, uninviting places of all.

but it’s the only place i’d rather be.

i’ve gotten through the pre-christmas season by dodging every christmas party to ever come my way.  for the record, i’ve missed 5 christmas parties on purpose:

1. vanguard x-mas party

2. college x-mas party

3. batch x-mas party

4. pugadlawin x-mas party

5. manila chapter vanguard x-mas party

it’s obvious that saving on resources is the main rationale for the “christmas party dodging.”  parties aren’t a necessity anyway.  [okay, i concede, i'm cheap!]  i mean, it’s not like i’m gonna die if i don’t go to parties.  plus, it’s a sacrifice.  sacrifice.

god, i love that word!

i’ve also spent the christmas vacation gearing up for my clinicals [which i'm deathly afraid of, as usual] and listening to my chemical romance’s cover of ‘all i want for christmas is you.’  well, among other things.

i’ve also spent the 1st week of this so-called break by making up for what i’ve missed these past few months.  i got the chance to help out at home, visit my grandma, fix some things, make a few phone calls, send mail… things i usually take for granted or i just don’t have the time for anymore.

and i feel great.  in fact, i’m already looking forward to a new year.  [i wonder what the new year would bring...]

i’ve just had a heartfelt talk with a new-found friend.  i haven’t had one in a long while. 

we talked about how complicated adult life is and how much we wanted to be kids again… about not having to make difficult decisions and not having to see the evils of man.  we talked about change and how it sometimes takes every ounce of courage to bring about change where there is resistance.

.. about how we should sometimes go against our destinies to be able to live life to the fullest.

we also talked about ostracism and being able to function even when you don’t exactly fit in… about how people have this innate tendency to ostracize others because they’re different or inferior.  we talked about our patriarchal society and the norms that govern us… about how it sometimes negates our perception of what is right or wrong.  we talked about what’s really important in a family…

about seeing the value of emotional well-being and communication and about prioritizing the family over material things… about how the relationships among family members can make or break the human spirit.

we talked a bit about relationships and maturity…

and about the consequences of our choices to people other than the self.  we actually concluded that it would be best not to get married.  but then we realized that having a family of our own is quite fulfilling.  then we talked about how difficult the married life is… then we thought about how difficult it is to grow old alone… [you know the drill.]

we talked about dreams and aspirations of becoming doctors and of making a decent living.

she feared having to work while attending med school [because i told her that i might have to work while studying] and felt that it just had to be more difficult than it actually seems.  i just had to agree.

we talked about depression and coping…

about what really makes a person happy and content… about getting the things that you need [instead of asking for things that you want]… about realizing that there is more to life than the tangible.

the gist of the discussion was that:  life is complicated. but stripped of all the trivialities and going back to the fundamentals… life is pretty simple.

or at least, it should be.

i’m not much of an advocate of “life” discussions because there isn’t much to talk about, but it’s actually beneficial to have one once in a while. i kind of enjoyed that one.

thank you.

a word of caution:

if you’re a little sensitive about religious topics, i suggest you don’t read this post.

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i’m serious.  stop reading now.

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quit it.

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well, if you insist…

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but don’t tell me that i didn’t warn you!

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i think i’m going to hell.  i don’t plan to.  i mean, it’s not exactly the place to be… but i think that’s pretty much where i’m headed.  yeah, i think i’m going to hell.

but i don’t really care.  it doesn’t bother me one bit.  i mean it’s not that i don’t believe in god or heaven or salvation. i believe in god.  god is good… 

maybe i’m just content that i am currently living my life as best as i could and that i’m not bound by some rigid dogma.  or i’m okay with the fact that sinning is a part of being human.  maybe i’ve already welcomed the fact that if i’ve sinned, then that’s it: i’ve sinned.  there’s nothing else i can do about it. 

i guess there’s always repentance and forgiveness.  we’re all god’s children anyway and we’re entitled to second, third, fourth, etc. chances.  [i don't think that god gives out ultimatum.]  but the thing is:  i was given free will and i want to take responsibility for the consequences of my decisions.  i don’t want to be sinning, then crawling back and begging my way into heaven, then sinning again, then crawling back again, and begging my way into heaven again.  i know that i’m only going to sin again.  and i don’t want to be a hypocrite.

if i deserved to be punished for my choices, then so be it.  i’d also like to think that i have lived my life with no regrets. 

you may ask: “why then, do you still do good things?  why not carry on with the debauchery and the wrongdoings?  you said you don’t care about burning in hell, right?  so why stay on the right track?”

i say:  “there are still good people out there.  i don’t wanna piss them off, don’t wanna make them sin, don’t want them to go to hell because of me.  i’m doing good things NOT because i want to go to heaven.  i think it’s too late for me anyway.  i’m doing good things because:

good people deserve good things.

if i should die and end up down there, i think i’d be happy just to think that my loved ones remember me with happy thoughts.  and if [god forbid] they should pass away, i think i’d be happy just to think that they’re up in heaven or some place nice…

wherever that may be.