just so you know, i’m not yet well.  there’s been a significant change in the way i feel about myself and my relationships with people but i’m still depressed.  i still have tics and issues that i’d rather not confront at the moment but i only need about two or three more months to fully recover.  when my mom comes home in april, i’ll be the sweet little girl she left a few years back. well, with a bit of luck, i will be.

i’m taking my meds with relatively good compliance and  if i miss a dose or two, it’s just because we don’t have the money for it.  i get by a few days without the drug but then when i start saying: “i hate my life… [or] i smell like sh*t… [or] kainis/kaasar… [or] p*tang*na” for some reason or for no reason at all, my dad sees to it that he buys my meds with the grocery the very next day.  scary, huh?

“can’t let that horned creature loose in the house, now, can we?” my dad would say.  kind of like the tale of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde – only taking the drug actually releases the monster in their case.

i can only imagine myself going out late at night and beating some poor kid on the street to a pulp or slashing someone’s guts open. [ay, si jack the ripper pala ‘yon…] but then again, i don’t have that kind of freedom. [i have curfew, you know.]  not a very good thing for a monster to have, really.

anyway, i’m in control of the creature in me.  she’s there, all right.; always waiting for that opportune moment to grasp me by the neck and squeeze the life out of me.  but i’ve got my eyes on her.  and she’s not going anywhere on my watch.

-

-

-

-

unless, of course, i want her out.  [wink, wink]

***note: post title is a rip-off of patrick henry’s “give me liberty or give me death” written in 1775.  jelly doughnuts and succinylcholine represent liberty and death [respectively] in the author’s case. :)

sa totoo lang, naaasar ako sa mga schools of nursing na nagsasabi na madali lang ang nursing.  naaasar ako na isipin na magbayad ka lang ng 300,000 pesos per sem ay guaranteed na magiging nurse ka na after four years.

ulul! [censored]

sa totoo lang, ah!  sino’ng niloko n’yo?

ay, marami pala… [wink, wink]

pero in fairness, ‘di mo naman masisisi ang mga pilipino kung naghahangad sila ng magandang buhay.  ‘di mo sila masisisi kung gusto nilang mag-nursing para maiahon ang mga pamilya nila sa kahirapan.  ‘di mo masisisi ang mga doktor o engineer o abogado kung magna-nursing sila para makarating sa ibang bansa. 

mahirap ang buhay, eh.  lalo na dito sa pilipinas.

pero nananamantala naman ang mga schools of nursing na ‘to na nagsulputan na parang kabute.  naging in-demand lang ang nursing sa ibang bansa, eh naglabasan na na parang mga sari-sari store sa bawat kanto ng pilipinas.

bakit ko naihalintulad sa sari-sari store, kamo?  eh ginawa nang business ang nursing education ngayon, eh!  akala ng iba, ang nursing diploma ay yung tipo ng diploma na makukuha mo sa quiapo o recto – once paid for, makukuha mo na sa susunod na araw o sa araw na ‘yon mismo…

while you wait!

o kung alam lang nila!

akala kasi ng iba, ang nursing ay simpleng pagpupunas ng puwet ng mga dayuhan o pagsunod sa doctor’s orders o pagtutulak ng wheelchair o pagkuha lang ng vital signs o pagsusuot ng puting uniform with matching cap and stockings and shoes [cliché!] o pagpapaganda lang para ma-inspire ang mga pasyente na gumaling!

o kung alam lang nila!

akala kasi ng iba, basta alam mo na ang mga theories of nursing at kung kilala mo na si florence nightingale, eh pasado ka na sa board exams!  good luck!

o kung alam lang nila…

na nagsusunog kami ng kilay sa paggawa ng physical assessment with neuro assessment, nursing health history with risk factor assessment, holistic nursing care plan [meaning: body-mind-soul kasama], verbatim process recording, sandamakmak na research papers, community diagnosis, thesis, atbp. 

na kahit sabado, linggo, christmas break, at sem break ay ginagamit na namin para sa academics.  na imbis na itulog na lang ay nagbabasa pa sa pathophysiology para ‘di bumagsak kay dr. cambri.  na ang oras na itinulog ang siya ring dami ng maling sagot mo sa exam na meron every damn week!  na ang tulog mo na lang ay sa pagbiyahe at sa lecture ng boring na prof sa CAS. na kung pwede lang kainin ang mga pahina ng med-surg book para ma-impress si ma’am manahan ay ginawa na namin! 

na ang community health nursing ay immersion at ‘di lang basta-basta pangungumusta sa mga tao sa barangay.  na talagang mararamdaman mo kung paano mabuhay ang mga tao sa community dahil kakainin mo ang kinakain nila, matutulog ka sa tinutulugan nila, atbp.  na kung sinuwerte o minalasmalas ka [whichever way you put it] ay kay ma’am dones ka mapupunta.  at kung ‘di ka naman masyadong malas ay kay ma’am maglaya naman.  [kindat, kindat]

na halos ‘di na kami magkamayaw sa clinical duty at sa dami ng requirements na kailangang ipasa in one day.  na ang ‘di mga henyo ay mahihirapang makasabay. 

na kapag bumagsak ka sa math 11 ay delayed ka na ng isang taon at kung bumagsak ka pa after that ay dapat pag-isipan mo nang maghanap ng ibang nursing school.  na araw-araw, you’re confronted with the truth that you might not be here the next sem!

o kung alam ninyo lang…

na ‘di na pera ang habol namin ngayon.  [asus!]  na serbisyong tunay at mapagkakatiwalaan ang gusto naming maibigay sa sambayanan balang araw. [wushu!]  na minamahal na namin ang mga pasyenteng naaalagaan namin sa bawat ward o department na mapuntahan namin.  [ows?]  na kahit naisin namin na magtrabaho muna sa ibang bansa upang maiahon ang mga pamilya sa kahirapan ay nangingibabaw pa rin ang mga damdamin na magsilbi sa sariling bayan.  [charing!]  na mahal namin ang nursing ‘di dahil sa kung anong magagawa nito para sa amin, pero dahil sa magagawa namin para sa ibang tao.  [no comment.  (' ',) ]

idealist. pero totoo at some point.  sa sobrang hirap ng nursing, dapat ang iniisip na lang ng student nurses ay ang “for the greater good.”  anyway, nursing is an act of selflessness.

pahirapan ang nursing, maniwala ka.  kung ‘di ka nahihirapan sa nursing, mag-isip-isip ka kung nasa tamang school ka.  baka pineperahan ka lang at pinangangakuan ng magandang buhay.  baka pinapaasa ka lang.  pero in the end, ‘di mo maipasa-pasa ang boards. 

tandaan na hindi natutumbasan ng pera ang magandang kalidad ng edukasyon.

uulitin ko lang: mahirap ang nursing.  pero masaya, if you’re in it for the right reasons.  ‘nuff said.

i don’t know why nobody’s complained about that commercial yet.  it’s absolutely misleading!

the media has a significant influence on the lifestyle of the filipino people.  we are most often won over by what we see on tv or hear on the radio or read in the papers.  the media has some form of magnetism and sometimes draws people to believe that anything that the media advocates is what’s right.  that’s just how strong it is.

but with the power to influence people and to change lives, comes the responsibility of filtering the data and coming up with the truth.  anything more or less than the truth is misleading.  the consumers have the right to know about the products they purchase.  commercials ought to be realistic.

that liveraide commercial just didn’t quite cut it.

the commercial features a group of people celebrating, eating food high in cholesterol, and drinking mugs and mugs of beer.  one of them warns the other that drinking too much might have a bad effect on the liver.  good point raised.  but then, what were the writers of that commercial thinking when they wrote the following lines:

“kahit lamon-tungga ako, protektado ang atay ko!  nagli-liveraide yata ako!”

what is this line saying really?  does this mean that you’d be saved from liver cirrhosis even if you drink like hell provided that you take liveraide?  what scientific evidence have they got to prove such a claim?

to some people, this might not mean much.  it’s just a way to sell the product.  sure.  but what about the masses?  millions of filipinos who are impoverished, who were not educated, and who are themselves potential consumers of this product are being deceived by this commercial and many others like it.  i’m not saying that when you’re poor and uneducated, you don’t think anymore.  that’s not the case.  all i’m saying is that impoverished people are most often the victims of misinformation.

let’s say a poor man takes liveraide in hopes that the harmful effects of his continued drinking would be counteracted [as is claimed by the commercial].  after some time, he develops liver cirrhosis and ends up in a coma due to hepatic encephalopathy.  can his family pay for the hospital expenses?  they’re poor, remember?  had he been rich, he could have paid for the medications he needed.  had he been rich, he could have afforded a liver transplant. 

but he’s not rich.  he barely makes more than the minimum wage as a contractual construction worker.  he couldn’t find a permanent job for his family of five because he was not able to finish elementary because his parents couldn’t afford it.

you may say that it was his fault anyway.  had he not been drinking, he wouldn’t have ended up that way.  you’re right.  but not quite.

had this liveraide commercial been censored and had it not claimed what it just did, this poor man wouldn’t have bought it in the first place and would, instead, have stopped drinking.  had the writers of this commercial written that liveraide can only keep your liver healthy for as long as you also change your lifestyle, this poor man could not have ended up in a coma.

somebody ought to do something about this commercial.  i don’t care if i get sued for writing this.  i’d be facing the threat of lawsuits in the future when i begin working as a head nurse, anyway.  [wink, wink] 

what’s there to lose?

and she has never been so grateful to god [or whoever created her] for being alive until now.  mahaba-habang kwentuhan ‘to…

-

03 jan 06, tuesday, 4 am - the demon woke up early for her first day of clinicals.  5 am - her mom texted her “happy b-day!” rather prematurely [because it wasn’t her b-day for 3 days more] which made the demon wonder if her mom had forgotten.  but she quickly chucked the thought out because she knew her mom loved her.  8 am - while at RITM waiting to be accommodated, her groupmates were playing “pinoy henyo” to literally kill time.  a friend informed the other groupmates that the demon will be celebrating her b-day in 3 days… that same friend forgot her b-day on the day itself.  he he.

all the hours which transpired in between - she spent her days “studying” and working her ass off.

05 jan 06, thursday, 5 pm - her dad was contemplating on making a cake for her.  around that same time, her evil twin sister had just come home from montalban and made up with her after about a week of non-existence. 

7 pm - the demon slept like a log after being awake for countless hours.  8 pm - the demon was awakened by a sudden pang of hunger.  [that was her alarm going off saying, “you've got papers to work on; get up!” 

8:30 pm until 06 jan 06, friday, 4 am - the demon worked on the group report for n117.  all the while, she was being greeted “happy b-day!” by her friends - with one friend greeting her at exactly 12 am [para daw on time, go figure].  the demon thought: ” ‘di kaya! 10:36 am ako ipinanganak, ‘no!”  he he.

4:30 am - the demon had started preparing for the last day of RITM duty.  her dad and siblings greeted her again and told her to be careful on her way to school because it’s her b-day.

6 am - left home with spring in her steps.  she was strangely happy - too happy perhaps, that she wondered if this was her last day on earth.

6:30 am - arrived in school only to find that she would have to commute to RITM [which is in alabang] kasi may ibang gagamit ng college van.  drat!

6:10 am - she solitarily embarked on an epic journey to alabang by ordinary bus then to RITM by fx taxi.  around 7 am - she had finally arrived after being savagely battered by the wind and being scared to death by the mind-boggling speed at which the bus traveled.

all the hours which transpired in between - the demon was greeted “happy b-day” and was sang to by her groupmates, a few more rabies vaccinations were administered, a post test was taken, the journal was completed, and a photo ops was done.

11:30 am - the group left RITM for school.  12:45 pm - arrived at CN and printed the visual aids for the n117 report.  the demon has not eaten anything but a measly donut and has not slept for the longest time.

1 pm - n117 report commenced.  the demon and her n117 groupmates reported first so that they could eat and everything turned out all right.  after the grueling report, the professor and the class found out that it was her b-day.  they sang to her.  she got red as a beet but managed to get a few words out: “thank you po.” 

4 pm - before going home, she lingered and talked to friends about all kinds of things.  she felt good.  she was rather happy.  in fact, she concluded that this must be the best b-day she has ever had…

5 pm - the demon was home at last after a long day.  apparently the happiness did not end in school.  she shrieked like hell when she found out that her sister and dad bought her a cd of three cheers for sweet revenge!  how cool was that?!  her sister said: “o ayan, ‘di mo na kailangang mamirata ng mp3’s!”  the cake was simple but no b-day cake ever tasted better than it.

8 pm - more greetings from friends came.  9 pm - the demon was too tired to get out of bed to eat ice cream.  she slept like she didn’t care if she died tomorrow.

07 jan 06, saturday, 12 am - she woke up to write this post.  it definitely was the best b-day she’s ever had. and the happiness wasn’t measured by material possessions or gifts or parties or anything of the sort. 

she’s happy simply because she feels happy… and it was all because of the people and circumstances which made it possible.

-

grabe! mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat!  thank you for making my b-day meaningful.  i am forever changed…

i have two online journals at the moment.  [the one that's coming up isn't exactly a journal but something like it.  anyway…]  the friendster blog deals with the usual frivolities and the pleasantries and amiable sensations of daily living. it’s got album/song/book/site reviews which i’ve been raving about since i’ve discovered typelisting.  overall, it’s the readable part of my existence.  it’s the most blatant part of me, if there ever was one.

the blogger account is somewhat the opposite.  the thing’s just full of suffering, angst, cuss words, and repressed emotions. not to mention the color scheme of black, white, and red.  nobody’d enjoy reading THAT of course… because it’s just plain miserable. 

it’s just a way for me to strip myself of all those subdued sentiments and objectionable views about life and everything [and everyone] in it.

in a nutshell, the blogger account takes care of the dirty business.

-

my therapist told me that there is no right or wrong emotion.  there’s only an “appropriate” emotion for everything we experience.  by appropriate i mean: befitting.  if the stimulus is unnerving, then you’re supposed to be unnerved. if, on the other hand, the stimulus is pleasant, then you’re supposed to feel pleasant. otherwise, your emotion is inappropriate.

but just because you feel good, it doesn’t make you right.  and it does not necessarily follow that if you feel bad, then you’re wrong or you’re bad or you’re the most repulsive, horrendous creature god has ever made.

it’s not “immoral” to feel both good and bad about something, either.  we will always have good and bad feelings towards things or events or people. mixed emotions.  that’s all there is.  and it’s normal.

the thing that makes the difference is how we acknowledge the existence of these feelings and how we are able to identify them… 

that’s exactly the reason behind that miserable journal.

you’ll probably call me a hypocrite if i don’t tell you personally or face-to-face that you suck.  but it doesn’t make me less human in the process.  it’s just a matter of choice, remember?  i chose to see both sides of things [e.g. you suck, but you're a great person].  but i also chose not to dwell on the negative aspect of things [e.g. you suck, but so what?  you're my buddy.].  i chose to be the friend, the listener, the sounding board, the democrat, the peace maker [e.g. therefore, you're a great person].  you get my drift, don’t you?

to keep it short and sweet, i don’t backstab. i just write what i feel.  and i feel both good and bad emotions.  because i’m human.

-

again, the journals are just a way to get the load off my back.  it’s only recommended for reading… but not a requirement, really.