i don’t even know where to begin.

it just sucks (for the lack of a better word) to disclose an intimate detail about your life and watch that secret be trivialized by people who don’t understand – let alone, care about – you.

i guess it’s just one of those things you’re not supposed to tell anyone.  i never should’ve said anything. why the hell do i always divulge information about myself that i know other people can use to manipulate me or corrupt my being or worse… take away the last shred of dignity that i have?

it seemed like a good idea at the time. i mean, it was one of those moments you feel like you can talk to someone and tell them anything about yourself.  it seemed like a good idea.

but it wasn’t after i naively gave out the details regarding my darkest moments that i realized… i made a terrible mistake. i had just become aware then – albeit, too late – that it was not the right venue and they were not the right kind of people i’m supposed to be giving a piece of my life to.

and to see the inanimate/apathetic reactions on their faces and to sense their subconscious effort to change the subject and brush it all off like it didn’t matter just broke me apart.

worst thing, though?  i can never take it back. i can never say anything to correct whatever misconstrued notions they had. i can never be safe again…

it’s hard.

to trust. to break down your defenses and let people in. to think that people would appreciate who you really are. to give yourself away and expect people to cherish that part of you that you gave away like it was their own.

i guess it doesn’t work that way, huh?  not in the real world anyway.

and i admit that it’s mostly my fault. i never should have said anything in the first place. i should’ve learned that lesson by now. i must have done it a dozen times, for cryin’ out loud!  time and time again, it’s the same old shit. and i don’t know why i keep doing it.

oddly enough, i suppose i still want to give people the “benefit of the doubt.” i mean, there are people out there who can identify with/relate to what i’ve been through or at least, try and make me feel that they understand me better now because of what i’ve told them.

sadly, it doesn’t always happen that way.

and i’ve grown tired and weary of being taken for granted, ignored, let down, and betrayed.  i’m sick and tired of trusting people and getting disappointed. and because of that, i’ve started building walls around me to shield me from further disappointment. that’s most probably why people find me difficult to read.

but they can’t blame me for being so distrustful, uptight, and guarded. 

i’m just exhausted, that’s all…

~~~

“now i think i know

what you’re tryin’ to say to me

how you’ve suffered for your sanity

and how you’ve tried to set them free

but they would not listen

they’re not listening still…

perhaps, they never will.”

- excerpt from “vincent,” written by don mclean