Indecision.

In a world full of detours, distractions, options, and choices, indecision can be your worst enemy.  Making critical decisions has always been my Waterloo, my Achilles’ heel… my vulnerability. 

I used to think that I was mature enough to take my own reins and gallop away into the great unknown without the guidance of my parents’ steady hands.  At a very young age, I would often rebel at the slightest attempt to curtail my freedom.  Back then, I knew for a fact that I was intelligent enough to choose what’s best for me and that my parents were only holding me back from achieving my greatest potential. 

If only I knew then what I know now…

Freedom and independence seemed like a harmless game of trial and error and I was stunned to find out that it’s nothing of the sort.  As it turned out, every decision you make will have repercussions in the future.  

We mere mortals are like lab mice going through an elaborate labyrinth called “life” where there are so many paths to take, so many pitfalls and obstacles along the way, and where the only consolation is: we all go through it.

You make one misstep and you’re bound to fall head first into a quagmire of despair and regret.  Make one wrong turn and you might just find yourself lost and unredeemable.  If you do manage to turn back, you’ll be faced with a multitude of even harder choices and if you haven’t learned your lesson, then there is no hope of ever getting back on track. 

Your seemingly best choice today could be your biggest mistake someday.  Looking back, you’d wish you could’ve taken a different path because you suddenly realized that where you are right now is not where you intended to be.

Ambivalence and self-doubt—

The more blunders you commit, the more cautious and guarded you become.  But not even prudence can save you.  The world is merciless and you don’t have a choice but to choose when faced with a dilemma.  There is no middle ground.  So even if you fear the worst, you must select between/among two — or more — evils.  Or even if you are so sure of what you want or what you have to do, you will always doubt yourself.  You will swing from one alternative to another and back again like a damsel torn between lovers. 

I have been through that phase many times before.  And I am going through it yet again.  Ambivalence is keeping me from moving forward.  I am stagnant because I cannot or will not choose for fear of erring.

Ambivalence is a double-edged dagger.

Someday, the fear of choosing and its consequences will eventually consume you.  When it does, you will feel the walls closing in on you and you will feel trapped.  And like the mice in our little analogy above, when all else fails or when there seems to be no way out, some of us will choose to “escape” from the “labyrinth” and be free of all the complexity and difficulties. 

I have once planned to “escape” but the uncertainty of going out of the “labyrinth” and both the unforeseen or foreseeable consequences of such an act also frightened me.  As much as I wanted to take the “easy way out,” the thought of leaving was also unbearable.

It’s ambivalence that’s keeping me from moving forward.  But I guess it’s also ambivalence that’s keeping me here…

Friday.

At this point during the week, I’m supposed to be looking forward to the weekend and to a long day’s sleep and at least a couple of days without having to take calls. 

It’s a good thing, for most people. But if you’re a pessimist like I am, you’d know that “Friday” also means that in two days, it’s going to be Monday again – which means that a new, stressful week is just ahead.

And the cycle goes on and on, week after week, month after month.

I keep telling myself that this cannot go on.  That the monotony/routine MUST END. It just has to stop.  I find it insufferable.

I knew I should have taken my dad’s advice and I should’ve left back in August like I originally planned. I never should’ve agreed to my TL’s or Quality Coach’s suggestion to consider going on LOA to study for the NCLEX exam. I should’ve left. Then I wouldn’t be writing this.

I could write down all of the reasons why I stayed and why I need to leave but it would take up too much space. The gist is: I’ve done all I can to endure but I can no longer take it. I’m emotionally exhausted and I just can’t go on deceiving and convincing myself that this is going to work out somehow if I just hold on for a bit longer.

I know things can only get worse for me if I stay…