Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure.

- Jane Austen

My selfless acts are driven by my selfish wishes.  Had I been completely honest with myself, I should have died years ago.  But I’m still here.

Had I really cared for others, I’d have put my welfare above theirs first and worried about their troubles later.  But I “followed my heart” and pursued my messianic, self-righteous whims.

And where had that taken me?

Nowhere.

Who had really benefited?

No one but I.

I am a hypocrite. 

And so is everyone else. 

I have a complaint: today, I walked for about a kilometer from my house just to find a drug store that sells Combantrin.  Out of the 5 “pseudo” drug stores in my vicinity, only 1 effing store has Combantrin.  And they only have 1 tablet left and the tablet seemed quite “old.”  The only place I was able to buy 3 tabs of Combantrin was - go figure - the Mercury Drug Store which was on the other side of Osmeña Highway. 

How many kids are there in Pandacan?  And how many of these children are worm-free?  Do you honestly expect me to believe that all the kids in Pandacan are worm-free?  Why on earth are anti-helminthic meds not readily available then?

Is it because they’re given out for free in health centers?  I’m yet to find out the answer to that. 

The thing that bothers me is that these so-called drug stores can afford to sell “unnecessary” products like slimming supplements or the new lineup of dietary/health supplements (think of liveraide, cardiovit, etc) but couldn’t even replenish their stock of the lowly Combantrin.

It just blows my mind how wrong our priorities are.

It’s hard when the cause of the disease is also the cure.

Let me use my current situation as an example.

I’m a self-professed social retard.  And it’s quite evident, so there’s no disputing that.  I was diagnosed of clinical depression in November 2005 and I think I’m having an exacerbation after 6 or more months of pill-popping and psychotherapy and after a couple of “asymptomatic” years.

Just a brief background on depression:

Depressed individuals tend to be introjective and tend to withdraw from society.  Social contact is important to keep that person connected to the outside world.  Depressed individuals tend to be more withdrawn if the environment is not “conducive.”  If the society casts the depressed individual out, then social withdrawal can be quite difficult to manage.

The pills and the psychotherapy do help a lot but after the treatment regimen, recovery pretty much depends upon a person’s social contact/activities and ability to cope with social situations.

Okay, it’s getting more technical the more I talk about it.  I’m awfully sorry.  Let’s just keep it simple…

I need people to stay sane.  But people also drive me crazy.  Which means that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel for me.  –>What the f@#!?

There you have it.

 “What the [insert F word here] is your problem?”

 I’ve been asked that question (though not as explicit) twice today.  Thrice, maybe. I wasn’t paying attention.

My answer comes with bullets:

•  work (as a CSR) and the stress that comes with being employed in a foreign-owned company serving foreign customers

•  lack of employment (as a nurse) and the lack of fulfillment

•  nclex (which I haven’t taken yet, if you must know) and the fact that my mom is waiting for me to pass that exam (which does not help either)

•  my mom [who has early stage dementia, diabetes, and (I suspect) deep vein thrombosis and who is currently having trouble with her job]

•  my dad (who I believe has a smoking addiction)

•  health-related issues

•  the yearbook layout (which I’m trying to finish but can’t seem to)

•  my dad’s and brother’s immigration requirements

•  my sister’s polymer clay business

•  my relationship with other people (or the lack thereof)

•  and many other “little” things.

Weave all of those things together, put a little emotional turmoil and subtract patience and divide by the fact that I’m running out of time and you get a really big, sloppy, incomprehensible mess.

I rest my case.

I just saw a rerun of the X-files on the idiot box a few days ago and it got me thinking…

The episode was based on the urban legend of the Jersey Devil.  It was set in Atlantic City, NJ, where a mutilated corpse of a man was found by park rangers/police.  The body was missing an appendage and bite mark analysis and autopsy results revealed that the perpetrator was not a bear, not a wolf, but a man.

The investigation leads Mulder and Scully to believe that there are Neanderthal-like human beings living in the forest parks/woods of Atlantic City who forage at night and cannibalize the city dwellers and that the police are withholding information and covering up evidence in order to keep the traffic of gamblers, tourists, and money flowing through their casinos and tourist attractions.

Their assumptions were substantiated when a suspected male “Jersey Devil” was killed by police and when the body suspiciously disappeared. 

Mulder and Scully were hounded by the police because of their relentless intrusion and curiosity.  Like most of their pursuits, they were able to come face-to-face with the object of their investigation - this time, a female “Jersey Devil.”  Mulder, who was at the forefront, was attacked by the Devil (but not eaten, of course) – an act that Mulder presumed to have been carried out purely in self-defense.

In the end, the police get to the “Jersey Devil” first and she gets killed.

The chief of police justifies the act by saying something like: “It’s what you have to do when faced with a rabid animal.”

Autopsy of the female “Jersey Devil” revealed that there were no signs of prehistoric bone structure, that she had fragments of human bones in her gut, and that she had recently given birth…

Can·ni·bal·ism, n. (1796)  

1 : the usually ritualistic eating of human flesh by a human being 2 : the eating of the flesh of an animal by another animal of the same kind 3 : an act of cannibalizing something

www.merriam-webster.com

In the episode, however, cannibalism does not only pertain to the consumption of human flesh.  I guess cannibalism, in its social context, pertains to how cruel people are to others and how human beings manage to “prey” on their own kind.  Be it because of greed, apathy, selfishness, malice, etc. “cannibalism” happens everywhere and comes in so many forms that we barely notice or recognize that it does exist in our “cultured and refined” society.

Cannibalism does not have to be an act of horrendous or atrocious nature.  It can simply mean preying on or taking advantage of the naivety and goodness of others.  And who is so pure and so self-righteous as to deny ever having done that?

I guess that makes us all cannibals, then.

Sino bang nagsabing maganda ako?  Ni minsan ‘di ko sinabi na maganda ako.  Nunca.  Never.  Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung magkaganon, ‘di ba? 

Alam ko na pangit ako.  Tumitingin din naman ako sa salamin, tulad n’yo.  ‘Di ko nga lang gusto ang nakikita ko tuwing ginagawa ko ‘yon.  Pero ano naman ang magagawa ko, eh, ito ang ipinagkaloob ng Maykapal sa akin?  Masisisi ko ba siya?  Masisisi n’yo ba ako kung hindi ako nakasalo ng kahit na kakarampot nang maghasik siya ng “kagandahan” sa daigdig?

Hindi ‘di ba?

‘Wag kayong mag-alala.  Tanggap ko na.  Matagal na.  Bata pa lang ako, naipamukha na sa akin ng mga “magagandang” kaklase ko ‘yon.  Hanggang pagdadalaga, dala-dala ko ang panunuya nila.  Ngayong matanda na ako, lolokohin ko lang ang sarili ko kung aasa pa akong may magbabago pa sa kaanyuan ko.

Kung naaasiwa kayong nakakakita ng pangit na katulad ko, pasensiya na.  Ganyan lang talaga ang buhay.  Hindi lahat ng nilikha ng Diyos ay maganda.  

Kayong naturingang pinagpala ang dapat magparaya.