Nga pala… naka more than 2 weeks na since I got interviewed sa St. Luke’s. Wala pa ring tawag.  At nung tumawag ako last Friday, naka-”board” na daw ang “last” batch nila for training. 

Ibig sabihin: the interviewer REALLY hated me.

Oh well. What can I do?

Just a quick one before I resume my review…

I was finally able to schedule my NCLEX exam on the 27th of May.  It must have taken me 4-5 calls just to get it right.  I’m so thick I can’t even schedule an exam.  How do I expect to pass it?

It had a lot to do with me not having a credit card.  I should’ve gotten one but I feared that I would only incur credit card debt if I did (which is absolutely ridiculous because I don’t even spend much).  That’s just how paranoid I am.  I should definitely seek professional help.

I’m more than halfway through my review materials.  I have to review “that other book” again because it’s been a year since I’ve read all of it.  It just won’t stick no matter how many times I read it.

But then again, nothing ever does.

Hatred is such a strong, negative word.  But it’s the first word that comes to mind.

I hate my half-sister now.  I tried to like her because I love my dad but I can’t take it anymore.  She’s one of the reasons why I’m miserable right now.  I really shouldn’t let her get to me but what can I do?  I just wish I can remove her from my life so that I won’t have to think about or deal with her.

We graduated the same year (2007) but up until now, she’s still a bum.  The only reason why she’s doing the chores is because it’s the logical thing for her to do.  If she’s not working then she could at least help clean the house right?  Gimme a break.  My siblings and I can do the things that she does – and even better!  My younger sister’s a better cook.  The only thing that needs to happen is for my dad to take a stand and make the rules and let US do the household chores.  We don’t need a maid, if that’s what she’s trying to be.

What’s more: I remember her saying, “Nahihiya na nga ako kay Mama, eh,” when we were still studying.  Oh is that right?  Well if she’s really genuinely concerned about Mama, she’d be working right now!  Mama can stop working if ALL of us kids are pitching in!  She doesn’t need to break her back juggling jobs if my half-sister’d stop watching tv and sucking up to Papa and pretending to “look” for a job! 

She’s driving me crazy.  My younger sister has brought this up with my dad but nothing’s happening.  He’s even taking her side saying that it’s hard to get work experience in her field (HRM) and that if she wants to work on a “cruise ship” she’d have to get some experience.  That it’s difficult to get a job now because of the recession.  That she’s over the age limit for most jobs. 

And all that bull. 

I mean, come on!  If she had done her “job hunt” way back when she was younger (like, I dunno, maybe IMMEDIATELY after graduation) then she wouldn’t even be having these problems.  If she wasn’t so “picky” and if she believes in starting small, then she won’t even be waiting for a cruise ship to dock in Manila Bay to get employed.  If I had her course, I’d work almost anywhere I possibly can.  I mean anywhere.

I’m getting tired of lying to people about her “employment status.”  Whenever my mom, grandmother, or friends, ask me if she’s found a job yet, I’d always say, “Naghahanap pa.  Mahirap lang talagang maghanap ng trabaho eh.  Gusto nya kasi sa barko.”

I just wish she was the type of “older sister” I can look up to.  Unfortunately I’m stuck with a delusional, impractical dreamer who leeches on my family’s resources.  I wish I can do what my younger sister does: ignore, ignore, ignore.  But I can’t.

Didn’t I serve as a good example to anyone?  Didn’t I get a job soon enough?  Didn’t I get a job that’s SO unrelated to my course?  Didn’t I overcome my fright/fears of becoming a call center agent just to help pay the bills?  Did I not sacrifice time away from my family just to help out?  Why is the message not coming through?

Moocher is not a good word.  But it’s the first word that comes to mind.

I may be wrong.  And I’m hoping to god that I am.  But I have a funny feeling that she doesn’t really care about Mama or this family.  And I hate her because of that.

The reason why people find it hard to drop idol worship (i.e. kissing the “baby” Sto. Niño, wiping the Black Nazarene, etc.) is because: in cases where or in times when they feel god has gone missing, they’d know where to find him.  Sometimes the metaphysical or abstract, to be fully grasped by the limited human mind, needs some form of concrete manifestation or symbolic representation.

When I was a kid, I used to pray in the school chapel and I would look directly at the crucified Jesus’ eyes and plead my case.  I knew he wasn’t the real guy but it’s definitely a lot better than talking to someone you can’t see.  It did give me a sense of being “heard” or a feeling of assurance.

Ten years, some bible-reading sessions, and a handful of “debates-pertaining-to-religion-courtesy-of-my-dad” later, I had started to wean myself from religious fanaticism and zealous, but unnecessary, performance of religious rites.  I’ve become a believer of god being an omnipresent entity but I do not claim to “know” of empirical data which would prove that he does exist.

Nowadays, whenever I feel that he’s not there (even if I believe he is), there’s really no way for me to tell for sure.  Sometimes, believing isn’t enough.  Sometimes your faith can let you down.

People say, “you’ll find him in your heart” or some other cheesy line you can think of, but it just doesn’t work for me at all.  Or at least, not anymore.

The thing I’ve learned, after all these years of questioning/scrutinizing one school of thought or religious sect after another is that: sometimes, to find god, you have to be at your lowest point.  Another is that: to find god, you just have to look around you. 

That person who gave you the seat in the bus during rush hour when you were having your worst migraine in months, there he was.  The nice lady you shared an FX with in Alabang who taught you where to ride next to get back home after missing your bus in Laguna: there he was.  The personnel in the registrar’s office who helped you out when you couldn’t graduate because you were missing some grades, there he was.

In that context, then, idol worship takes on a whole new meaning.  I guess for me now, it’s more of appreciating god through his masterpiece – people.  Or, finding god in everyday people.

I can’t sleep because the interview is still bothering me.  It just keeps on coming back to me just when I’m about to doze off.  I hate this feeling.  But I know I’ll get over it after a few days.  Or weeks.  Right now, I just can’t help but remember.

I don’t think the interviewer (forgot her name, sorry) liked me much.  I could tell from her facial expression.  I have a knack for reading facial expressions, by the way.  I guess it’s more of a curse, really.  I just want to be insensitive for once in my life and not care what other people feel or think.  But I’m a nurse so that’s kind of like losing an arm because nurses are supposed to care/be sensitive.

At any rate, I didn’t like her either.  I wanted to and I tried to, since my career depended on it, but there are just some things that you can’t force me to do. 

She kept on checking if I’m going to say anything that’s inconsistent with the things that I wrote in my resume/application form.  I think she thought it made her look smart.  (Or maybe it’s just how it goes.  I should know, right?  It’s not like I haven’t gone through this before.)  I mean, come on.  The resume they had is no longer updated because it’s 3-4 months old.  Of course I’m no longer employed in Sykes!  And she was taking everything that I said so literally/plainly.  Don’t metaphors/idioms matter to anyone anymore? 

Okay maybe I’m just overreacting or being paranoid.  I just need to get this out of my system.

I need a hug… =(

I’m done with the initial interview in St. Luke’s.  And I did sooo well – that is, if I were applying in a call center!  I butchered it!  I think I might need to look for another hospital. 

It was a group interview.  The interviewer said that it’d facilitate a friendlier, less intimidating environment if we were interviewed together.  For good reason.

I think I did just fine.  But I think I could’ve done better if I was being interviewed alone.  Among the other people being interviewed, I was probably the only one who came through as someone who’s not ready to “kill” for a position in their institution.  I might’ve sounded a little less interested compared to the other people in the room.

All of them were like going at it like hungry wolves, shooting credentials here and there, making references to how good they are or how dedicated they are.  All I did was to tell them that I want the job and that I’m doing it for my family and I prefer job fulfillment over monetary rewards.  I didn’t even mention that I graduated from UP.  I didn’t want to seem or give the impression that I’m depending on my diploma to get me this job.

Looking back, I think I should’ve at least said something that would make the interviewer think that I WANT this sooo bad.  Yeah well, it’s too late for that now.

If they call in two weeks, then that’s swell.  If they don’t, I won’t be surprised.  I wish I could’ve been more assertive.  This’ll surely haunt me for a long time.

Smashing Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlain left the band and Billy Corgan is now the only member of the band.  SP is still alive.  Jimmy said it’s got nothing to do with bad blood.  And I believe him.  Billy is currently working on a new SP album and is currently hiring a new drummer.

Robert Downey Jr is going to release two movies this year: The Soloist with Jamie Foxx and Sherlock Holmes with Jude Law, etc.  Can’t wait!  And I hope he wins something for it this time.  Crossing my fingers…

MCR’s currently workin’ on their next album.  I hope it’s nothing like their last.  But that’s just me of course.  Everyone else seemed to like it.  Oh and Gee’s gotten married to Lin-Z from Mindless Self-Indulgence and they’re expecting.

Chuck Palahniuk’s new book “Pygmy” will be released some time in May and he already has a sched for book tours.  Only in the US though.

Jimmy Fallon had replaced Conan O’Brien in the Late Night show.  I haven’t really seen an episode but I think Jimmy Fallon’s gonna deliver.  He’s quite a funny guy anyway.  Seen him in SNL and he’s done a lot of convincing impressions and some really funny skits.  Still, I miss Conan’s dry humor, antics, and big, red hair.  I saw him last in Martha (Stewart) and he was putting glitters on egg shells and a ham.  Bizarre.

Megan Corkrey’s been voted off and I’m quite disappointed.  She’s not my first pick (coz Danny is) but I really like her.  She’s quite unique and odd and there’s been nobody like her in Idol history.  I think I might be deaf because I downloaded her “losing” song and I don’t see (or hear, for that matter) anything wrong with it.  It’s quite laidback (and that’s how Lauryn Hill’s version is) but not at all boring.  Her riffs in the middle were quite haunting (at least for me and my brother) and she still sounded like the Megan the judges “fell in love with.”  So I’m quite confused.  Allison should’ve left, IMHO.  She’s getting boring and she’s becoming more of a wannabe pop-rock princess.  So what if Megan’s weird or clumsy?  I’d buy her album anytime.