This is me not caring.

This is me spending the last couple of days out of the house, doing what I’ve always wanted to do but never did (because of self-persecution and the sense of guilt that accompanies hedonistic thoughts and the need to focus/concentrate on my exam), spending the money I earned mostly on “wants” and “my” needs (as opposed to my family’s needs), and just enjoying the great (if not rainy) outdoors without having to worry about dealing with the most recent object of my abhorrence.

I had sworn that I will not hold myself back once I’m done with the NCLEX and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve been told that I care too much about my family. So much so that I’m no longer thinking about what I “really” want/need and all the self-persecution is taking its toll.  My aunt and siblings said I worry too much.

So this is me not worrying…

I feel free. It’s a kind of freedom I have not felt in such a long time.  The kind that does not necessarily make me feel saintly but sure takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s a kind of freedom you experience when you don’t consider what’s right or what’s wrong. And I hate to admit it but… I’m beginning to like it.

I should’ve done this a long time ago. It could have saved me from a lot of heartache. But like what my brother said to me once, I’m a lot like my dad (go figure.) in that I feel guilty most of the time. I feel guilty spending my own hard-earned money on myself because there are “other, more important things” than my own needs.  I feel guilty doing the things I want to do because there are “other, more important things” that I need/have to do.

Well, this is me not feeling guilty.  Not yet anyway.  I know that as soon as all the vindictive emotions have dissipated, I’ll go back to being guilt-ridden once again.  Right now, I just feel like going against my own superego and false sense of uprightness.  Right now, I just feel like getting even.  Right now, it’s about me and my sanity and my right to pursuit of happiness.

This is me taking my siblings’ advice.  This is me taking a break from all the worries.  This is me having fun because I deserve it.

My dad may not like what I’m doing because it has always been one of his most common complaints about my siblings (coming home late or leaving the house even on weekends, etc). 

But then again: This is me not caring.

I went to the library again today to review.  And escape. 

It’s the last day before the exam and the “unnecessary noise” in the house is driving me mad.  Why oh why does she have to talk so much?  Why oh why can’t she just shut up?  I know for a fact that she knows I get irritated whenever she and my dad talk and she talks even more now because she’s enjoying my torment. 

Conniving b*tch.

So yes, I did it again.  I made one remark about the finding a place “kung saan tahimik” before I bolted out of the door. And I made sure she heard it.  My dad just froze, looked out the window, and changed the subject. Wow. (Later in the day, I’d confess this to my sister, Glen, and she’d reprimand me about it. He he.)

I tried to read as much as I could in the library but since the people running it are also watching Willie Revillame on tv, I also had to get out of there.  While I was there, my brother was keeping me updated re: his trip to NSO for his birth certificate.  I told him I was going to change venue and go to Starbucks for a caffeine jolt and if he wouldn’t mind, would he please tell Papa that I’ll be home by around 7pm?

My beverage of the day is Coffee Jelly. Just because I haven’t eaten anything since lunch.  There weren’t any couches so I had to settle with the high stool/chair by the window.  The sun was just coming down and it was on my face.  The guard was nice enough to move the big, movable umbrella/shade to the window but he missed me by 2 inches. So the sun was still on my face and I just had to squint to be able to read my reviewer. 

It was about 6:45 when I decided to go home. When I did get home, dad won’t talk to me.  He was watching tv with my brother and he refused to eat the cookies that I brought home. So typical.  I asked him candidly if he was mad at me and he said, “Bakit naman ako magagalit sa’yo?” My brother would later tell me that it was obvious that he was mad because you don’t answer that question with another question if you’re not.  I confronted him because I wanted to know if this time, he’d tell me TO MY FACE that I did something wrong and I also wanted him to ASK ME WHY I’m acting this way. 

But he didn’t.  He wouldn’t ask me why I’m acting out.  But he knows all of my half-sister’s grievances. Am I not his daughter, too? Why then, won’t he freakin’ talk to me, for crying out loud?!  Is it because he knows I’ll talk back? Is it because he’s afraid I’ll fight him tooth and nail? Is it because he’s afraid he’ll realize HE LET THIS HAPPEN?

There goes my hero worship.

He changed the subject again and asked me when my exam will be.  I told him it’s tomorrow.  My brother would later tell me that this isn’t really a form of escaping a confrontation.  It’s just my dad’s way of saying, he doesn’t want to bother me right now…

But maybe after the exam.

This seems to be my routine lately. 

I’m stealing time away from reviewing to write entries, visit the web, etc.  My dad doesn’t know that I leave the library 30 minutes earlier to go to a nearby computer shop. I mean, it’s not like he really cares where I go.  It’s just his thing to ALWAYS ask where I’m going.  It’s not like I’m gonna go to a bar/clubbing (like what my half-sister used to do in college) or meet up with my “boyfriends” (like what my half-sister used to do). And I always make sure I’m home just in time for him to notice that I’m home.

It’s been a tough week.  I’m emotionally exhausted. I missed 5 days of medication and I feel like crap once again.  Just when I was starting to get better…

Then there’s the exam next week. I don’t think I’m ready. I’m never ready. I always fear the worst because things aren’t going as planned lately.  But I have no other choice but to take it.  Once I’m done with it, I’m going to treat myself out because I deserve a break. 

I just got my last pay from Sykes and it was bigger than I thought I’d get. I remembered thinking I’d only be getting 10K because I was such a pain in the @ss.  Of course, I’m just exaggerating.  I gave half of it to my dad to pay a month’s rent because we’re behind for 6 months. Of course, I’m just exaggerating.  I told my mom I’d keep the other half just in case we have other bills to pay.  Honestly, I don’t think my savings are gonna cut it because there’s just no end to the bills.

My sister’s boyfriend just tweaked our pc but things aren’t going smoothly.  There’s probably some sort of incompatibility between the devices or something.  That’s why my typing business is on hold and that’s why I’m here in Labores, writing an entry in a busy, public area.

Time is short and I have a lot of things on my mind.  Unfortunately I can’t write all of them down right now. And I’m sensing trouble. It’s time to go home again.  I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, my dear silent, imaginary confidant.

I’m taking a break from reviewing to visit the world wide web. I’ve had very limited access lately and it’s driving me wild.

I just came from the local library and they won’t allow me to take out a Med-Surg book. They said they don’t allow people to borrow books. That’s strange. I finished 3 short chapters in 4 hours. I’m back on schedule again. For now. Let’s see if I can keep it up. I have 2 more (long) chapters to go before I review part of the other NCLEX book I have.

I still have to memorize the ANSAP procedures for IVT before my return demo on May 21. I called earlier to see if I could move it to another date because I can’t afford another distraction before the NCLEX. The people from the Lung Center of the Philippines told me I have to speak to their supervisor personally but that there’s no guarantee that a change in sched will be made. Should’ve done it yesterday but I forgot. My bad. Why the hell didn’t I get another sched in the first place? I didn’t know I had a choice. My bad.

I’m also supposed to take care of my brother’s immigration requirements. He’s scheduled for an interview in June 4 and prior to that, he has to undergo medical examination. My mom’s really disappointed that my dad isn’t done with his papers yet. And I am once again, in the middle of it all.

I’m also on the 3rd day of “something that’ll help me through.”  Can’t give the details but it’s sorta legit. It’s not illegal but it’s not a healthy practice either.

That’s it. Gotta run home before the light is out. Or my dad’ll worry about me.

Will he really?