I just talked to my mom over the phone this morning and she said it’s hard for her to find another job in the US. 

About 9 months ago, I told her to leave one of her jobs because I wanted her to have some time for herself.  I’m almost sorry that I did that. Because right now, I don’t have a job and my mom’s and Glen’s combined income isn’t cutting it for us.  I’m almost sorry that I left Sykes to take the NCLEX.  I’m almost sorry that I didn’t push through with the job application in Taguig and/or Ortigas.  I’m sorry that I didn’t crawl on the floor and beg the HR personnel from St. Luke’s to take me…

I told her, “Ma, ‘di mo na kailangang humanap ng isa pang trabaho…  May job opening sa Taguig. Okay lang ba sayo na mag-call center uli ako?”

She told me (and I could tell she wasn’t amused), “Call center na naman?”

I said, “Eh walang ibang choice, Ma.  Freeze hiring ang mga hospitals ngayon…”

She said, as if imploring, “Wag na. Unahin mo na yang mga trainings mo. Handa naman akong magsakripisyo para lang makapag-training ka eh.  Mag-training ka na muna para kapag nakaalis ka, ready ka na, okay?”

I tried to choke back the tears welling up in my eyes because she’ll hear it in my voice and she can’t know how I’m feeling.  She won’t be able to sleep if she knows I’m worrying about her again.  But to no avail… the tears just fell.  What can I do eh mababaw luha ko?

With a little shakiness in my voice and with my hand over my eyes, I told her, “Sige po, Ma. (Pause)… Magte-training po ako, hwag kayong mag-alala.”

Then a looong pause. I asked, “Ma?  Nandiyan ka pa ba?”

She said, “Ah oo, nasa trabaho ako.  Nanonood lang ng ‘The Wedding’ sa TFC.”

Thank God for TFC.  Because of it, my mom was a bit distracted and she didn’t notice.  If she had noticed, I would have cried all the way.

“Sige, Ma. Manood ka na. He he…”

So that same night, Sunday, Glen finally came into our room and found me breathing.  I know it’s crazy but I wanted her to find me in cardiogenic shock.  But modern fairy tales don’t always end in a tragedy.

She gave me a good preaching/sermon about me wasting my life on something or “someone” who isn’t worth it.  “Kadiri!” was her term.  She said that a lot of people (namely, my siblings, my mom, and probably my dad, too) love me and care for me.  She said that I was pushing them away and is that what I wanted to accomplish?  I told her I didn’t want to push them away.  Then, Glen said, I shouldn’t let “her” ruin my life. 

Good point.  But where do I start?

My sister asked me if I already ate dinner.  I said I haven’t eaten anything the whole day and suddenly I realized, I should start by taking care of myself.  My sanity.  My two siblings.

Glen said, I’ve become obsessed.  She said that I’m not acting like a nurse.  I had to concur.  I had to add that maybe I’m not a nurse at all, the way I’ve been acting lately.  She said I should pick myself up and dust myself off – which were not her exact terms but I figured, it has the same meaning anyway.

She said I should start painting again and she’d be willing to buy me oil paint. I told her I have watercolor.  Alright, watercolor then. That should keep me busy and distracted.  In the meantime, she said, I should stop taking whatever it is that I’m taking because it’s not helping.  I told her I needed it. She said I don’t.  Alright, so I don’t.

I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off without the meds but I’m going to give it a try.  I just wish my two siblings will always be here to help me regroup.  I just wish I’d never have to be alone in this…

I think I might have reached my lowest point last Sunday.  Can’t get into the details but it sure seemed like the end for me.  But lo and behold, I’m still here.  I don’t know why.  But god seems to want me to stay.  I’ve asked for release many times before and when I finally got the opportunity to carry out my half-baked plans of departure, it just didn’t work. 

The major details are as follows:

Cause: paranoia, lack of communication, self-persecution, “her”

Effect: alienation, heartache, bruised knees and knuckles, headache, nausea and upset stomach…

You just figure out where the pieces fit.

Good thing, my sibs were there to keep me hangin’ on.  I don’t know what I’d do without my sister and my brother.  I swore that it’d never happen again.  This just can’t go on.  I love them too much…

Yep, that might have been my lowest point. 

I just can’t say the same for her.