Aug
05

wake up call

Filed Under (dear diary..., the depression chronicles.) by fueledbymaruchanramen on 05-08-2009

 

So that same night, Sunday, Glen finally came into our room and found me breathing.  I know it’s crazy but I wanted her to find me in cardiogenic shock.  But modern fairy tales don’t always end in a tragedy.

She gave me a good preaching/sermon about me wasting my life on something or “someone” who isn’t worth it.  “Kadiri!” was her term.  She said that a lot of people (namely, my siblings, my mom, and probably my dad, too) love me and care for me.  She said that I was pushing them away and is that what I wanted to accomplish?  I told her I didn’t want to push them away.  Then, Glen said, I shouldn’t let “her” ruin my life. 

Good point.  But where do I start?

My sister asked me if I already ate dinner.  I said I haven’t eaten anything the whole day and suddenly I realized, I should start by taking care of myself.  My sanity.  My two siblings.

Glen said, I’ve become obsessed.  She said that I’m not acting like a nurse.  I had to concur.  I had to add that maybe I’m not a nurse at all, the way I’ve been acting lately.  She said I should pick myself up and dust myself off – which were not her exact terms but I figured, it has the same meaning anyway.

She said I should start painting again and she’d be willing to buy me oil paint. I told her I have watercolor.  Alright, watercolor then. That should keep me busy and distracted.  In the meantime, she said, I should stop taking whatever it is that I’m taking because it’s not helping.  I told her I needed it. She said I don’t.  Alright, so I don’t.

I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off without the meds but I’m going to give it a try.  I just wish my two siblings will always be here to help me regroup.  I just wish I’d never have to be alone in this…

 



Comments are closed.